I can't build relationships. Close relations

Almost at the beginning of any relationship between a man and a woman there is what we call intimacy. The conditions for its occurrence are as follows:

1. No fear of being yourself

Intimacy is when you are not afraid to be yourself and when you don’t need to pretend to be anything. When you are accepted with all your flaws. Small children have this condition; they are very sincere in their manifestations. It is also used by newly lovers, when a couple looks at each other through rose-colored glasses. There is intimacy and sincerity in their relationship. At this stage, partners do not notice each other's shortcomings. Or if they notice, they do not evaluate them critically; they seem like a trifle, a “highlight” of the partner.
Those. if you are not afraid to be yourself around someone, then this is a serious sign that your relationship can become close.
Over time, something happens, probably the hormones of love stop working. And the partners begin to notice each other’s serious shortcomings, or maybe they are just getting to know each other better. What used to be a “highlight” begins to irritate. And a negative assessment of the person appears. And when a person is negatively evaluated, he begins to close himself off or devalue the one who evaluates them negatively (“He doesn’t understand what he’s saying” or “His opinion doesn’t matter to me”) And at this moment intimacy begins to disappear.

2. The desire to take care of the person next to you

If there is such a desire, then there is a high probability that spiritual intimacy will happen.
At the beginning of a relationship, you want to take care of a person, you want to anticipate his desires, do something for him, without waiting for him to ask. But over time this desire disappears. People can live in the same apartment, sleep in the same bed and kiss each other on the cheek when saying goodbye, but they don’t want to take care of each other. And there is no sincerity. This may occur due to negative evaluation. Maybe the person disappointed you: he seemed to be one thing, but turned out to be completely different. Maybe he criticizes you all the time, pointing out your shortcomings. But in any case, people move away from each other, they don’t want to have anything to do with each other.

3. Tenderness is another marker of intimacy

If there is criticism, disrespect, or negative evaluation between people, then they usually do not want to treat each other tenderly. When tenderness goes away, intimacy goes away. Here we are talking about tenderness not during sex, but in everyday life: when you want to take your hand, stroke your head, hug, etc.

4. Accepting a person as he is. Without judgment and desire to change it

Let me again turn to the beginning of the relationship, when the partners are wearing rose-colored glasses, when they love each other and believe that they are lucky to have a partner. Then it doesn’t occur to them that their partner needs to be changed; the shortcomings seem uncritical. But over time, everything changes: shortcomings begin to irritate, we give a negative assessment of his behavior. And thus, we push him away from ourselves. People won't want to come close to us. If we do not accept a person for who he is, if we want to change him, then there will be no intimacy, no matter how much we want it. Intimacy is a mutual thing - it is impossible to be in a close relationship with someone who does not want it.

5. Presence effect

It happens that people are in the same room, but do not communicate, everyone thinks about their own things. For example: a family is walking in the park. The husband is on his own, the wife is on her own. And somewhere their child is running around. They went to the park only because it is customary to take a walk with the child on a day off. But they themselves don’t want this at all. This can happen if people are not comfortable being around each other, but they are forced to do so. And then there is no closeness between them, even though they are geographically nearby.
To be present in a relationship, to be included in a relationship, you need to be aware of yourself.
Those. understand what you want, what you don’t want and have the right and courage to talk about it. If you do not understand what is important to you, if you are not aware of what you really want, if you cannot tell the person next to you about your desires and unwillingnesses, then there is no intimacy between you. A close relationship is a relationship in which you are not afraid to offend your partner if you understand that you will be accepted with any feelings, desires and shortcomings.

6. Vulnerability is a sign of intimacy

I wrote about this in more detail in the article “Vulnerability is the price for intimacy.” If you are vulnerable in a relationship, then your relationship is intimate. After all, you can hurt someone who is nearby and open to you. It is important to trust the person with whom you are intimate. You must understand that if a loved one hurts you, it is not on purpose. It is important to take it as a principle in relationships that if a person offends me on purpose, intentionally, then I don’t want to have anything to do with him. If I am sure that this person treats me tenderly, carefully and with respect, but at the same time he hurt me, then this is not on purpose. And then you shouldn’t be offended by him. In close relationships, we will sometimes get hurt, we need to be prepared for this, because it is inevitable. The opposite pole of vulnerability is isolation. If vulnerability is unbearable for you and you choose isolation, then you will be alone in a relationship, and there will be no spiritual intimacy!

What is missing in your relationship for it to be close? At what point and for what reasons did the intimacy disappear? And what do you need to bring into your relationship to make it close?

There are many differences between a man and a woman. For example, if we talk about the beginning of a relationship, then the first stage of establishing a connection for a man is physical. He is always attracted to the body first. As soon as it becomes uninteresting, the physical connection also disappears. And then the man goes to the second woman, to the third. And even these quick separations do not bother the man much, because the body is gone, so be it - there will be another woman with beautiful eyes.

But for a woman, physical connection is only the third stage. First, she establishes spiritual contact, and therefore she thinks that if a man shows interest, it means that he has already seen her somewhere and is interested in her inner world.

Women and men perceive each other in their own likeness. Men believe that a beautiful body is also important to women, so they post their best photos on dating sites, and women think that on the same Internet resource it is more important to write three pages of text about what books she has read, what films she has liked, what she likes and what it's like inside.

And women are sure that it is impossible to enter into a “close relationship” if you are not interested in a person, you are not going to accept any responsibility. That is, the level of physical connection has not yet opened, because such is female nature. And when a close relationship begins with her, the woman thinks: “That’s it, a very close person to me. I am very dear to him." During this time the man only visited the first level, flipped the switch and moved on. He doesn’t need anything else, and the woman is already in a close relationship.

And some kind of misunderstanding is already developing between people, when a woman thinks that they will take her as a wife now, and the man does not understand at all what they are talking about. He will say: “Where do such fantasies come from? Still very simple. I thought you liked it, but I don’t need more.” And the woman will say: “Yes, I also thought that you liked it, but not because it was only necessary, but because we are already very closely connected, and you are serious.” But the man is only at the first stage, which is why misunderstanding arises.

And the woman remains very unhappy, but he will also suffer greatly in the end. It’s worth saying here that this man will make a lot of ill-wishers among women when he behaves this way. The fact is that there are also differences in the work of thought about the opposite sex.

In the thoughts of men and women there is a place for friends, work, spiritual practice, and the like, but for the opposite sex there is only a small corner allocated there. Love is concentrated there. A very important corner, but nevertheless small. And a man can think about women in three modes: he can think good, bad, and not think at all. It's simple. If you like someone - good thoughts, if you offend a woman - bad thoughts, “got it and left” - doesn’t think at all.

But women don't have a third option, so they think either good or bad. If a man behaves like a gentleman, cares, looks after, then the woman will think well, and if he offends her, she will think badly. And a woman will have bad thoughts for quite a long time, because she does not have the option “not to think”; she becomes very attached to a man when they begin a close relationship. If he then quickly gets dressed and leaves, it means that in the eyes of a woman he is acting like a pig, and she will now have long and bad memories of him.

But for a man there is another danger - karma. Don't think that close relationships mean nothing without love. There is always contact between subtle bodies at this moment. And women slowly take away the pieces of male affection and feelings of sexual attraction, because the connection is still being established. And it turns out to be a very difficult situation if a man has been attached to physical intimacy without love for a long time.

The problem is that when a man falls in love, he will not be able to want the woman he loves. And the stronger his feeling, the less desire there will be. A man, of course, will feel sexual attraction, but only to other women whom he does not love. This is a big trap that those who need to “walk some more” fall into. A very serious problem, because all betrayals in marriage begin with it. And a man, sometimes, cannot even really explain to himself how it all happened. And then he will apologize, and the woman will forgive, over and over again, because the man loves, but this is his problem.

What is a harmonious relationship? How to build close relationships? What are the stages in the development of relationships between a man and a woman? Why do personal relationships cause problems?

Conditional stages of relationship development

1. Separateness

Potential partners are just entering into a relationship. They live separately. They do not immerse each other deeply in their worries and experiences. They try to look their best in front of each other.

They meet occasionally, start texting or rarely call each other. Their lives intersect only at certain points, and they both feel separate and independent from each other.

2. Merger

This is a period of stormy and passionate love, jealousy, happiness and suffering. Partners strive to spend as much time as possible together. They share with each other almost everything that is in their hearts. They bathe in each other’s attention and gradually lose their boundaries, “merging together.”

At this stage, they may even notice “mystical” coincidences and premonitions, for example, one partner just thought about the other, and the latter is already calling him on the phone.

3. Autonomy

Having gone through the stage of mutual passion and absorption, the time comes when one (or two partners at the same time) becomes cramped in such a merger. They want to have their own personal space, “free” time, and return to their own affairs and interests.

Relationships are transformed in such a way that within the “We” union, dissimilar voices of “I” begin to sound more and more. At the same time, such a union of partners does not collapse at all and distance does not occur, but on the contrary, the relationship is enriched by something that everyone brings into them from their autonomous journey through life.

Possible relationship problems

Psychological problems can arise at every stage of relationship development. Often their roots can be found at an early age.

Some people, having experienced a painful merger with one of their parents in childhood, avoid this merger with their partner in every possible way. They maintain relationships at the individual level, not letting anyone close to them, thus maintaining a sense of security.

Inside themselves, they can experience various fears that arise when getting closer, which from the outside may not look like fear at all, but like a strong and extremely independent position. For example, the fear of being absorbed, suppressed by a powerful partner. As a result, the relationship turns into a struggle and often various sexual problems manifest themselves in it.

But this coin also has a flip side - a person, so accustomed to a close connection with a parent, begins to look for a similar merger with a partner, jealous and suspecting betrayal at any manifestation of autonomy on his part. Like, he doesn’t talk about what happened at work, which means he doesn’t love and doesn’t really value our relationship.

Overprotection, overcontrol, constant intrusions are painful in relationships and can destroy them, usurping the personal freedom of the partner. By the way, Overprotectiveness can hide a fairly high level of control and aggression in relationships.

Another problem may arise when a person felt abandoned in childhood and his childhood need for a full and safe merger with another was not satisfied. He may greedily seek this fusion with his partner and get scared every time his partner pulls away a little or gets even a little angry with him.

In this case, a strong feeling of anxiety and an inability to cope with one’s own loneliness can lead to the destruction of relationships. An obsessive craving for merging can be like a tight embrace that is so suffocating that many will want to break out of it very soon and run away.

There are other possible problems. Not the most obvious of them is exploitation in relationships.

From the outside it may seem that a person is building relationships, maintaining them and even passionately desires another, but from the inside it is possible to discern that the other person serves only a function for him.

Just as, for example, delicious food when one is hungry, a handsome man or woman can temporarily satisfy sexual hunger.

But besides owning a body, or the pleasant experience of being wanted, a person cannot take anything else out of a relationship, much less give something to another (although, sometimes, he can give money).

In such relationships, one of the partners may not be able to see the other, assume what exactly the other is feeling, or conditionally put himself in his place. He may be blinded by himself and his desires, not seeing his partner behind them. In this case, separateness is not overcome. The other person appears as an object, and not as a being with a living soul.

These are not all the problems. To describe their diversity in detail it would be necessary to compile an entire monograph.

Harmonious relationships

Intimacy is the basis of harmonious relationships. Intimacy is not just about merging with another person.

A close relationship involves the ability of both partners to be there for each other while accepting the other's autonomy. Not the separateness and independence of the other, but autonomy.

After all, living with another person, uniting with him, sharing a lot with him - the kind of separation that happens when you live alone and “left to your own devices” is simply impossible.

Intimacy involves the ability to be with another without losing oneself.

This does not mean that you need to be very selfish and constantly pursue your own interests. The ability to distinguish your inner voice, listen to your feelings and reactions, and the ability to openly express your feelings in a relationship with a partner is a necessary element of intimacy and harmonious relationships.

At the same time, open expressions of anger, resentment, and irritation are also part of close relationships.

Autonomy, which can be achieved at the third stage of relationship development, presupposes the ability to withstand the manifestations of another without experiencing a “collapse” within, rejecting or running away from the relationship.

How can psychotherapy help someone who has difficulty building close relationships?

In order to be able to be in a long-term relationship, a person needs the experience of experiencing a safe, close, trusting relationship. The task of parents is to let their child experience such an experience.

But, unfortunately, not all parents themselves know how to be in close relationships and the child, growing up, does not know what it is. Someone may be lucky and meet a person who is able to be there, accept, endure, teach, support.

Many adults resolve similar issues for themselves and deal with their difficulties on the path to harmonious relationships by resorting to the help of psychotherapy.

A relationship with a psychotherapist becomes a kind of testing ground where, in a safe environment, you can try to express yourself, to express something that is very difficult to show.

And also to understand how a person himself influences relationships, how he builds them, how he destroys them - discussing all this directly and openly, without condemnation and rejection, which is very difficult in ordinary life. The psychotherapist becomes your ally on the path of understanding yourself, your contribution to the relationship and changing the style of being in relationships that prevents you from building your close and trusting relationship with your partner.

I would like to end with the thought that love presupposes freedom. Without freedom, relationships begin to tilt towards dependence. But at the same time, freedom does not mean complete separation and independence.

Love rests on freedom and balances in the interdependence of partners. Harmonious relationships are by no means a given or an accident. They are the fruit of working on oneself, understanding oneself, understanding others, developing the ability to be open and sincere.

And, of course, they cannot line up on the initiative of only one partner. Both contribute to them and both of them are also responsible for success or failure.

I wish you success in this difficult, but important task for each of us - building good close relationships.

True, no one except you laughs at them, because they don’t understand what the point is. These jokes appeared somewhere between the kitchen and the bedroom, when someone got tangled in one sock, and someone remembered a childhood joke. It’s useless to explain to others, because all the experiences are too personal, and the associations are random, but it’s still funny for the two of you.

2. You have a secret language

No, no, this is not about how you call each other dawn and yacht, although that is possible. When you talk about something of your own, other people cannot understand you: the words seem familiar, but the sentences do not add up. Of course, everything is clear to you.

3. You understand each other, even if it is impossible to understand

I urgently need this one, where is it?

Well, wherever.

Oh, exactly, there you go!

Typically, an attack of tongue-tiedness occurs when the head is occupied with extremely important thoughts and there is no time to remember the name of some thing. But you two don’t need this, everything is clear without words.

4. YouTube invites you to watch some strange videos

Where is “My Empty Bottles” on the list? What other porridge made from spruce seeds? Who again read Lifehacker from your computer and looked through all these?

Because I wonder what your half was thinking about when they opened the link.

6. You are listening to this story for the hundredth time.

The story of how the younger brother spent the change from his last ruble on candy and distributed them to the whole yard obviously had a strong influence on his partner if he constantly remembers it. And you listen for the hundredth time as if it were the first.

7. You know more about your childhood friends than they realize.

When you are introduced to Zhenya (well, remember what I told you about?), you immediately understand what to expect from this acquaintance (oh, so it was you, Zhenya, who were full of tar then?).

8. You no longer notice that you are replacing “I” with “we”

“Our cat”, “We woke up”, “We didn’t count on this”... In general, no worse than parents of small children. But who said that this is bad?

9. You can tell everything. Really everything

And talk freely about things that are not customary to mention “in polite society,” because the person you are with understands and accepts you completely and completely.

10. You often talk about your loved one

But not because you are crazy with love, but because most of the stories about your life are stories of joint adventures. You spend a lot of time around, so it's not surprising.

11. You know each other’s everyday habits and tastes

Therefore, don’t buy vanilla shower gel (it should be raspberry) or a car fragrance with the smell of pine (because you need coffee and nothing else), don’t offer pasta for dinner (because in the evenings there’s only vegetables) and you’ll listen to rap music in your headphones.

12. You know a lot about things that don't interest you.

For example, list a dozen Jedi, although you don’t like Star Wars, tell which soldering iron you should choose and why, although you haven’t held one yourself, or quote a poem, although you don’t like poetry. and you and your loved one have different interests, but you are always ready to listen with curiosity to what they tell you.

13. You bought a second blanket

The passion has not faded away, and the love has not gone away, but suddenly it turned out that you can sleep together and not share a blanket, enjoying your vacation the way you like best.

14. You know your loved one's schedule.

Therefore, when you are invited to a party on Thursday, you refuse: your other half has an important presentation on Friday, so you need to sleep on Thursday.

15. You already visit separately

Because you have become acquainted with all your spouse’s friends and you understand in what company it will be boring. But why not lock your loved one at home?

16. You have terrible incriminating evidence

Yes, you’ve seen those baby photos with bare butts and you know who ate from a cat’s bowl at the age of six months. Grandma has already told you everything.