Cool horoscopes according to their zodiac signs they seem funny only at first glance. In fact, they are remembered much more clearly - after all, the joke itself “sinks” into memory. You can amuse your friends with a witty response in an unexpected situation. Or you can take a closer look at yourself and your loved ones - to once again make sure that astrology is truly a truthful and accurate science.
And with the help of cool horoscopes it will be easy for you to study astrology and understand its basics. And you don’t need to memorize anything or get it into your head on purpose. Just read comic horoscopes and compare them with the behavior of your friends. Very soon everything will fall into place in your head, and you will always know what to expect from others and what they expect from you. By the way, this is called “insight.” And all thanks to the fact that you just love reading funny horoscopes!
Start with simple example. Find out, which horoscopes do they prefer? different signs Zodiac- and check yourself and your friends.
Aries most often looking for obscene horoscope. So what? What else to have fun with friends over a bottle of beer. It especially bothers him when he is not reviled too much, but everyone else is reviled in full.
Taurus treats horoscopes without much trust and never allows them to influence his life. But financial and money horoscope sometimes he still reads. But only to once again be convinced that he was right.
Twins absorb all horoscopes that meet in their stormy life path. They forget them in exactly a minute - for this reason they don’t believe in them.
Cancers, having read something offensive or unpleasant to themselves, they may become offended by all horoscopes in general. They prefer neutral horoscopes: floral, fashion, horoscopes of pets and peoples of the world.
a lion accepts only those horoscopes that glorify him. If you read aloud to him, just skip the “inconvenient” parts, and his favorable attitude is guaranteed.
Virgo Actually, he doesn’t believe in horoscopes, but he will read the medical horoscope very carefully. If the recommendations are reasonable, then Virgo will put them into practice, and if they seem nonsense to her, then she will discard them with indignation.
Scales love love and romantic horoscopes. But most of all they like horoscopes of compatibility between zodiac signs. After reading them, they are no longer able to choose a partner - it becomes impossible to make a decision due to a large number of factors.
Scorpios First of all, they look at sexual and erotic horoscopes. They read them quite carefully, memorizing everything well. They will then definitely try the information received on their partners.
Sagittarius They love funny horoscopes, with good humor or unusual comparisons. However, horoscopes do not stay in their heads for long. And they often understand them in their own way - to their advantage.
Capricorn reads horoscopes in order to criticize them. He will look for all the inconsistencies and enjoy it. In the end, he will prove to himself and everyone that all this is complete nonsense, and one must only be guided by common sense.
Aquarius reads horoscopes from time to time and selectively remembers them. He especially appreciates humorous horoscopes with caustic jokes. He then likes to quote them at the most inappropriate—from your point of view—moments.
Fish They believe in everything - in omens, in signs and, of course, in horoscopes. They stick to what they write so fanatically that they implement everything they read. Naturally, for them the horoscopes are one hundred percent correct.
copying is prohibited
Sometimes you have to step away from serious reality and accept everything life circumstances with a huge amount of humor. There are categories of people who are not offended. Please do not take such frivolous things seriously. begins his humorous march.
Astrologer's advice: Different level and the quality of a person’s education greatly affects the way of manifestation different qualities. The upbringing of people also makes its mark on the characteristics various properties behavior.
Aries. A ram is also a ram in Africa. He is confident that he is right, he always knows what it costs, and arguing with him is at your own loss. Rams (in the sense of Aries) are very honest herd animals. If someone looks bad, he will say so directly. IN real life He is of little use, but he gives advice to everyone. Free, at that.
Astrologer's advice: It happens that there is a rare opportunity to completely correct your personal life in good side, is given only once in a lifetime. Don't miss it - order it and find out how soon luck will be in your hands!
Calf. Typical cuckold. The other half of him tries very hard for him to maintain his brand. He has a lot of stubbornness, he is boring and greedy, but serious because he thinks for a long time. His health is excellent. He doesn’t like new people, and can’t stand old ones, but he loves his friends, and not only artiodactyls.
Twins. Twin brothers just have different fathers. This is about them. Left hemisphere The brain of this sign always contradicts the right. Light, ephemeral and airy, they cannot finally decide on the choice of their soulmate: everything is not theirs, and everything is not right. But they are fun and interesting.
Astrologer's advice: Please note that for a detailed description, it is necessary to correct the information taking into account the date, time and place of birth. Refined data will help you better understand yourself or understand other people.
Cancer. The second syllable of the word "fool". Although, however, this is not about him. Disgusting and cowardly, suspicious and annoying. A drunkard and a philosopher - that's all about him. He makes friends with Taurus and Virgo and talks with them about the end of the world. And they tolerate him out of pity.
A lion. Maybe I'll get a kick out of this comic horoscope according to zodiac signs. Kill - it won’t kill, but there will be a lot of roar. He is so selfish that he believed in the inviolability of his royal person. The weapon against him is sweet flattery. The atomic bomb is powerless here.
Astrologer's advice: We invite you to look at horoscopes for the month and year for all zodiac signs. The forecast will help you make the right decisions on any issues. Interesting and useful. Go to .
Virgo. She is very fond of law and order and woe to anyone who breaks them. He'll knock right away. But she is useful in housekeeping: she can wash and clean. So, you can live with her, but not for long - she will plague you with her pedantry and neatness.
Scales. These are great aesthetes who, putting clean socks and freshly brewed coffee on one cup, will choose the second option. They often get sick, and if anyone wants to work as a vest or a nurse, then you are welcome!
Astrologer's advice: In order to comprehend and better understand the character and qualities of a zodiac sign, you need to get to know it from many sides and the category will help you with this.
Scorpion. Sexually preoccupied, hysterical egoist. He loves money even more than himself, but he doesn’t steal it, he earns it. Loves to do little mischief and create serious problems. Similar to Ram, only waterfowl.
Sagittarius. He is always right, this is an axiom. And if he is wrong, then this is a theorem. A sociable and cheerful centaur, shooting at hearts left and right. Whoever is not his friend yet, let him get in line.
Astrologer's advice: Eastern horoscope, the same thing has a strong impact on the resource inherent in people when they are born. You can read more on our resource in the category.
Capricorn. He works a lot, and not with his horns and hooves, but with his head and hands. Woe to those who perceive Capricorn as the darling and soul of the company. He loves to butt heads, don't get into trouble.
Aquarius. I can’t give anything good advice to myself, but to others, please! Prison is his second home, because his relationship with the law does not work out. He is afraid of only one thing - old age.
Astrologer's advice: Relationships between loved ones often depend on the constellation of birth. Compatibility of signs is an educational section in astrology. You can find out about the relationship in the section -.
Fish. Complete comic horoscope according to zodiac signs. What can you do, this is their fate - to drag along behind everyone all their lives. Where should they go? They are not interested in money, but in the aquarium they will be fed anyway. For free.
Aries is always pleased with himself, which is reflected on his face. He rarely thinks, says and does the same thing. Usually he does everything wrong, but just dare to tell him about it. Then you will regret that you were born. The stubbornness of Aries is legendary, and not surprisingly, a ram, he is a ram.
If he gets stubborn, you won’t budge him. He always has two opinions on all events and phenomena, one is his, the other is incorrect. Aries says that he is never wrong, and therefore he believes that God was most likely an Aries.
Aries are as stubborn in love as in everything else. And if he seeks someone’s favor, he does it until the object of his passion gets tired of refusing him. And when he achieves the favor of his partner, he himself does not know why he needed it.
During the siege (it lasts a very long time), the object loses its attractiveness for him. Those who fall in love with Aries should only be pitied.
In the family, Aries loves to point things out, but does not want to do anything. And there is no way to move him from such a convenient position for him.
Cheerful horoscope for Taurus
Taurus is very stubborn, in this he is similar to Aries. Only someone who admires Taurus, tells him that he is always right, and, meanwhile, passing off his ideas as the ideas of Taurus, can convince him. Taurus women are very emotional and trusting.
About our love relationships she speaks only in superlatives. And if a man tells her that he can’t live without her, she really believes it.
Taurus men are hoarders and hoarders. They drag into the house everything they can get their hands on: old household appliances, broken furniture, a woman they don’t need. And then they wonder why the house is so cramped and noisy (the noise is from a woman who also cannot understand why she was brought here).
Taurus are very fond of various conflicts and gladly take the most ardent part in them, without being interested in the cause of the conflict. And when they find out the reason for the showdown, they beat themselves in the chest and say: “Oh my, what nonsense they fought over!”
Fun horoscope for Gemini
Geminis are two very similar people rolled into one. Since they are very similar, this irritates them and they argue all the time. If one says, “I want this woman,” the other will definitely object, “What do you need this slut for?” And as a result, the Gemini man chooses another, and then wonders, “What did I find in her?”
Gemini women are contradictory and fickle in their passions. They change men so often that sometimes they don’t even have time to remember the name of the next partner. And in order not to completely get confused in the names of their counterparts, they call everyone the same “my Hercules,” until the next lover turns out to be a short, skinny man.
He, of course, takes this treatment as ridicule. IN Everyday life Geminis are very indecisive. They cannot quickly make the right decision, because one Gemini pulls in one direction, the other (out of spite) in the other. And it turns out, as in the immortal work of V.I. Lenin "One step forward, two steps back."
Fun horoscope for Cancer
Cancers are very cowardly and timid. They are constantly afraid that they will be accused of something, so they try to please everyone and make a bunch of impossible promises to everyone. They speak mainly in slogans and stereotypes, so that others do not suspect them of having any ulterior motives.
Crayfish lie without blushing (red crayfish are only boiled) and very inventively. It’s not for nothing that there are so many Cancers among politicians.
In love, Cancers are very careful, meticulously and carefully choosing a partner for themselves, even for life, even for the night. They rummage and sort through, like in the ruins of a second-hand store.
And when friends are surprised by such a long search for their loved one: “Are you choosing a cow?”, Cancers thoughtfully answer: “You can sell a cow, but you can suffer with this (this) all your life (night).
At work, Cancers are sycophants and sycophants, their bosses are gods and celestial beings, but if the opportunity arises (and it is safe for Cancer), they will gladly trip up their beloved boss.
Cheerful horoscope for Leo
The lion is in nature the king of beasts. People zodiac sign Leo never forgets about this. They are arrogant, selfish, always confident in their superiority and do not tolerate the opinions of others. You will be Leo's best friend if you constantly flatter him and praise his virtues.
Leos love to hang their portraits on the walls, and the larger the images, the better.
Leo women, like female black widow spiders, if they do not destroy their chosen one immediately after a night of love, then they gnaw at him for the rest of his life, or until the partner has enough patience.
Leo men love only themselves; they are simply not capable of loving anyone else. Therefore, they choose women who know only two words “yes” and “I obey.”
Cheerful horoscope for Virgo
If your zodiac sign is Virgo, then your loved ones and friends are terribly unlucky. You are obsessed with order, scrupulousness and cleanliness. Virgos are extremely neat and methodical. The need to tidy up and clean turns into a passion for them. If you get up from a chair or sofa in Virgo’s apartment, she immediately begins to smooth out the cape and shake off non-existent dust from it.
If Virgo gets into a small car accident, then the first thing she says to the inspector who comes up about the second participant in the accident: “It’s no wonder that this teapot got into an accident, look how dirty his car is!”
A mandatory item in Virgo's house is a magnifying glass. With its help, she examines all the furnishings in the house, thus looking for dust particles.
Virgo also strictly plans her love relationships; meetings and sex with her partner occur according to schedule.
Cheerful horoscope for Libra
Libra is languid and graceful and full of incomprehensible mystery and nobility that is not understood by the rest of humanity. They love to dress fashionably and pay close attention to fashion. Their desire to look fashionable is so great that if someone assures them that it is fashionable: Libra women will put on a skirt inside out, and men will wear a shirt instead of trousers and tie it in a knot at the waist.
Libras love to teach everyone and explain everything to everyone. For example, with tenacity worthy best use, they will tell you the difference between a latte and coffee with milk. And it is useless to object to them that these are one and the same thing.
In love, Libra is mysterious and unpredictable. Sometimes the chosen one (chosen one) of Libra cannot understand what the Libra partner is trying to say. Either he invites you to an intimate date, or he says goodbye forever.
Cheerful horoscope for Scorpio
Scorpios consider themselves irresistible individuals; they can spend hours looking in the mirror and admiring themselves. They are great inventors and are always full of grandiose plans, but as soon as it comes to putting these plans into practice, they stop at the very first difficulties, saying, “I didn’t really want to.”
Scorpios are very loving and indecently sexual. They are proud of their love victories and talk about it on every corner. There’s just one small nuance: Scorpio men like those women, looking at whom other men say: “No, I can’t drink that much vodka,” and Scorpio women choose for themselves such chosen ones, about whom you can say that they just got off the hook yesterday. trees or crawled onto land.
Cheerful horoscope for Sagittarius
Sagittarians are such adventurers that being around them is simply dangerous. They may invite you to jump with a parachute, assuring you that they have done it a hundred times and will even offer to fold your parachute. Never agree, otherwise their satisfied face will be the last thing you see in your life.
Don’t even think about introducing your chosen one, if it’s a Sagittarius, to your parents. The ancestors will be shocked.
Sagittarians are careless and unfaithful lovers. Having parted with you in the evening, assuring you of his passionate love, in the morning he may simply not remember about you.
Cheerful horoscope for Capricorn
Capricorns are a peculiar mixture of Leo and Virgo. They believe that they are as charismatic as Leos and as logical as Virgos. In fact, they have the self-importance of Leo and the sadness of Virgo.
Capricorns are terrible workaholics, but they work with such a gloomy and dull look that you just want to tell them: “Put on a different face, a little more cheerful.”
In love, Capricorns are pessimists. His chosen one (chosen one) can prove his love a hundred times, but Capricorn is firmly convinced that he will certainly be abandoned. What happens most often is that the partner gets tired of fighting with the universal despondency of Capricorn.
Cheerful horoscope for Aquarius
Aquarians are the most “knowledgeable” people in the world. Ask Aquarius what Nadezhda Krupskaya was sick with as a child or what stars the constellation Sagittarius is made up of, and he will tell you with a smart look and in great detail about everything.
Aquarians love their body very much, they love to be naked, and therefore they are very willing to visit nudist beaches.
Aquarians are wonderful lovers, and if you constantly listen to them, agree with everything and admire their extensive knowledge, Aquarius will love you like Romeo.
Cheerful horoscope for Pisces
Pisces are very vengeful creatures, God forbid you offend this sign. Outwardly, they will not show that they are offended, but you will subsequently regret for a long time that you offended Pisces.
Pisces are very slow in everything, and they are also drivers. If you see a car driving along the highway at a speed of 40-50 km per hour, be sure that a representative of this sign is driving.
In love, Pisces are cold and predictable; they are said to be “dead fish.” But they consider themselves almost Scorpios in love relationships.
Of course, a comic horoscope based on zodiac signs has a right to life. Some people believe that such horoscopes are unreliable, however, by reading short, sparkling characteristics, they recognize themselves and their friends.
It is a cool horoscope based on the zodiac signs that calls things by their proper names. If you have a sense of humor, read it!
Cool horoscope according to the zodiac signs of the element of Fire
The Ram is always right, he knows the price of everything, it’s easier to shoot him than to argue. Impeccably honest. If a suit doesn’t suit you or you’re overweight, he’ll tell you honestly about it. In everyday life he is usually useless, but he generates brilliant ideas to match Sagittarius.
Leo - cool horoscope according to zodiac signs
People are divided into two types - those close to them and everyone else. He is an egoist, but he is forgiven for his holy belief in his own impeccability. The best in everything! He makes it clear to his marriage partner that it came to him along with the status of the lion’s chosen one. Unarmed in the face of flattery, with the help of which one can twist ropes out of the Leo zodiac sign.
Sagittarius - a comic horoscope for the zodiac sign
Sagittarius readily expresses his opinions even when he is advised to hold his tongue. But the mouth of the Sagittarius zodiac sign does not close, because his personal opinion should become the truth for everyone. A lucky sign in life! Sagittarius has a lot of friends who, if something happens, will not let him disappear.
Comic horoscope according to the zodiac signs of the Earth element
More stubborn than Aries, just stubborn, but not an innovator, boring and greedy. It doesn't have this charming sheepish indifference and... The zodiac sign Taurus is an unsurpassed slow-witted person. Lustful. Constant in affections. Distrustful and wary of new people, but will stand up for old friends.
Virgo - comic horoscope by zodiac sign
According to statistics, most psychopathic maniacs are born under the Virgo zodiac sign. These heartless monsters poison the life of everyone who finds themselves in the same territory with their pedantry and love of law and order. But in everyday life, Virgo is useful like no other.
Capricorn - a cool horoscope about zodiac signs
Happiness can only be achieved in one way - by breaking in like hell. The meaning of his life is in work. At first he seems meek, but at the first opportunity he will give you a noticeable poke. He receives the greatest pleasure if he manages to do this with Leo, whom he cannot stand for his arrogance. Leo responds to him in kind, cannot stand this dirty trick, and if at the moment of the poke Leo is not in the mood, the zodiac sign Capricorn must immediately run away, otherwise things will end badly.
Comic horoscope according to the zodiac signs of the air element
Twins
No one realizes how difficult it is for the Gemini zodiac sign to survive in this huge world of possibilities! Choice is Gemini's obsessive nightmare. They always feel like life is passing them by, even if they get caught up in events.
Libra - cool horoscope according to zodiac signs
Libras consider themselves aesthetes, are unreliable, have seven Fridays a week, and are yearning, which is unattainable in principle for the Libra zodiac sign, because they are in constant dissonance between reality and what they want. They are indecisive, and therefore suffer from nervous ailments.
Aquarius - a comic horoscope for the zodiac sign
Looks like it fell from an oak tree. Oddly enough, many people like this. Even if in the life of the Aquarius zodiac sign everything goes wrong, he manages to give advice that works! Potential criminal. There is no Aquarius without a criminal past; he breaks the law with pleasure and, unlike Gemini, he understands perfectly well what he is doing.
Cool horoscope for the zodiac signs of Water
There is no sign more suspicious than Cancer! Constantly imagines the end of the world, is afraid of his own shadow, falls into hysterics and seeks consolation from Virgo. Disgust. He bores those around him with conversations about his illnesses, which is why everyone except Taurus runs away in horror. Has a penchant for philosophy and alcoholism. The first, as well as the second, is contraindicated for the Cancer zodiac sign.
There is no need to be modest today - Respond in the hall Aries.
Aries is an energetic sign. Always confident, Aries is capable of a lot. And if after a week-long party you decide to relax, and you are dragged into night club, Aries does it.
Well done and tomboys, Where they sit with us Taurus?
Taurus are constant and decisive. And if someone constantly and decisively asks you; “Do you respect me?”, then this is Taurus.
Where are the brave guys? Faster than everyone else Twins!
Gemini is an eternally youthful sign. They love jokes and fun, they love beauty in everything. They have a very good tongue, etc. if you're having fun, it means Gemini is nearby.
The zodiac has many signs, now I want to see Rakov!
Cancers are the most cautious sign; they are unlikely to go on an adventure. Cancers are also the most loyal sign. Cancers are reliability itself.
You will respond in unison, Kings of Beasts, beauties Lions!
Leo is the most creative and generous sign. Is it true. Leos love to show authority, so if there is a POWERFUL concern nearby, it is a Leo.
Everyone look to the right, to the left, Where in our hall Virgo?
Virgo is the most meticulous and painstaking sign. She never makes hasty conclusions and would rather measure seven times and pour once. Virgo is practical.
Lift up your noses, show yourself to us, Scales?
Libras are calm and affectionate. And therefore they can easily borrow 1000 euros from you and kindly not return them.
Queue according to all laws Stand up and have a drink Scorpios!
Scorpios are a living intuition, they clearly know where, wherever, in order to... But, being very “alive” by nature, Scorpios can be excellent friends and life partners.
All the signs here are great, lucky everyone - Sagittarius.
Sagittarians are very fond of all kinds of challenges and adventures. Being optimists, they will always find adventures in their second 90s.
Don’t be strict with the presenter... respond, Capricorns!
Capricorns - since childhood, they are very fond of precision and clarity. They are tacticians and strategists, so if someone tactfully gets you drunk, then it is Capricorn.
Let them raise their glasses soon. Without hesitation, Aquarius!
Aquarians are a very friendly sign, but they prefer peace and solitude. Therefore, many Aquarians can calmly and privately indulge in their favorite activity.
And on our holiday let us smile. They give affectionate Fish!
Pisces are dreamers by nature. They sing songs or write poems. Pisces is creativity and if someone next to you is creatively sleeping with their face in a salad, it could be Pisces.
2. Alcohol horoscope for guests
1. Aries it's high time
Have a glass of wine
You just need to drink wisely:
Not under the holiday table.
2. And to the stubborn Taurus
Getting drunk is unbecoming
You better decide
Have fun without vodka
3. Twins, understand yourself
Don’t poison your soul with vodka,
Better drink milk
You will live to be a hundred years old!
4. Well, eh Cancer you can have a drink
But just a glass or two,
Just be very careful
Otherwise there is a scandal in the family
5.Lviv we want to warn you
That you shouldn't drink a lot,
Don't let the temperature enter your body,
Pour some tea into a glass!
6. Virgos, don't drink too much,
Have pity on your stomach
He may not understand you
Do not take lard with vodka!
7. A Libra in harness together
Need to pour more fully
So don't be shy
And drink up the alcohol
8. Scorpion still a child
He can't drink at all
If he drinks vodka,
Everything will be upside down for you!
9. A Sagittarius the advice is:
If you want to be healthy,
You better have a drink
Instead of vodka, lemonade!
10. Capricorns lucky
You can drink to spite everyone,
The evening will instantly last an hour,
All that's left is to have fun!
11. Aquarius good,
They drink vodka from the heart,
Don't give in to vodka
Better stay sober!
12. Pisces everyone needs
A glass full of wine,
Overturn, but not past,
Definitely to the bottom!
