A large-scale flash mob has been launched on Facebook with the hashtag #I'm Not Afraid to Say.
Representatives of the fair sex, and sometimes even men, talk about experiencing sexual violence. The idea of creating such an action belongs to Ukrainian journalist Anastasia Melchenko. She told her story herself, and this became an example.
Here are some of these stories that have changed people's lives.
“Once upon a time, when I was young and beautiful, but, unfortunately, very stupid, I needed to get from Berlin to Magdeburg. I was greedy to pay for the train and hitchhiked... Nothing complicated - you walk along the highway and catch a ride. It is advisable that there is one driver in the car, and not a drunk company... I did not know that it is forbidden to stop on the autobahn and to walk along it too. So I was the only smart one in all of Germany, and, oddly enough, the truck stopped, there was only one driver, an ordinary young proletarian.
Literally half an hour later, the young proletarian stopped the car at a special long-distance rest area, drew the curtains and told me to move back. I was surprised. We were just chatting so well, he was talking about his father, a fellow long-hauler and proletarian, and I told him about perestroika... My surprise, however, had no success, they showed me a hairy fist, they shouted at me with some kind of scary words and quickly threw it back, where the proletarians have a bunk.
I lay on my back in a pile of some blankets and watched indifferently as a young, muscular proletarian swarmed over me. I was neither hurt nor offended. This was no different from what those with whom I had previously slept of their own free will did. I didn’t feel any difference, the same melancholy and contempt, I didn’t even feel any hostility towards this man, he was so similar to everyone else.
And when he drove me another thirty kilometers ahead and dropped me off God knows where, literally in an open field, I felt nothing but annoyance that they didn’t take me to the place and I had to somehow get settled again. There was a fork there, and to get to the right highway, you had to break through a blackberry hedge, and then cross a field, and only when the field was behind you, and cars were already flying past,” one of the girls said on the microblog.
Often the victims of violence are children and teenagers who are afraid to tell adults about their misfortune, and grow up with similar “life lessons.”
“I was 12. And I had never gotten into an elevator with strangers. He stood near the mailboxes, and when we drew level, he sharply pushed me into the elevator opening, simultaneously lifting up my school dress with one hand and covering my mouth with the other. I broke free and ran down the corridor, he caught up, grabbed me by the hair, and kept saying “don’t be afraid, don’t be afraid”... I didn’t scream. I was so horrified that I had no voice. And then some people came into the entrance, and he ran away.
I never told anyone about this. The most terrible thought was - what if the parents find out, what will happen? But I still remember this face,” recalls the now matured heroine of the story.
What is the reason for the popularity of flash mobs with stories about depression and experiences of violence, do they help cope with psychological trauma, how do flash mobs trigger the mechanism of false memories and why do participants face bullying?
"Paper" talked to the candidate psychological sciences, teacher at St. Petersburg State University Ekaterina Burina.
- Why are flash mobs like “I’m not afraid to say”, Me Too and Face of Depression on social networks becoming more and more popular?
This may be due generally to the increase in the number of people who use social networks. And this is a certain trend - to take your experiences outside. Many people use social networks to share something of their own: they post the music they listen to, caption photos, write posts. It seems to me that the popularity of flash mobs is due precisely to time.
In such flash mobs, people tell personal stories and often bring very traumatic experiences to the public. Sometimes not anonymously. Is this the kind of frankness with which people tell everything about themselves to fellow passengers on the train?
It doesn't seem to me that there is any single mechanism here. Everyone does this for their own reasons. Some people use their social media pages as their personal diary. For someone it is important to show: “I’m different, not like everyone else, I’m posting something difficult, let them see what my life is like,” this makes him feel better. Someone wants to find relatives and people who are also experiencing some [similar] events. Some people are just interested.
If we compare it with the 2000s, when LiveJournal appeared, can we say that compared to that time, people have become more open and there are fewer taboo topics for them?
I guess so. Taboos in general are gradually disappearing. Of course, there are topics that we are still not very actively discussing, but many people, on the contrary, “catch the wave” and say that there should be no taboos, everything should be discussed, everything should be open. In the 90s and later this also happened, but not so massively. The form is changing a little, and the number [of people willing to give up taboos] has increased.
How does participation in flash mobs affect the experience of trauma? And if you read the stories of flash mob participants, and if you tell your story.
It seems to me that some people (and I know some) who participate in flash mobs have not fully coped with the experience of trauma and, accordingly, pull out the story again. It’s painful, but they help themselves: they talk through the trauma again, experience it, and it somehow “settles down” afterwards. Especially if everything goes well while telling the story to a group.
- That is, if Feedback is the story positive?
Yes, if there was support and no bullying. But there are people who don't want to talk about trauma or deal with certain topics. Maybe because they are still worried too much, maybe something happened in life that reminded them of this.
If we talk about people who have not fully experienced their trauma, is it safe for them to participate in such flash mobs?
The question here is: who is the audience to whom I am presenting my story? If these are people who are prepared and have a positive attitude... After all, some don’t even want to act out of spite or ask any questions and cause harm, but an ill-considered question or remark can do harm. Everything can turn out really wonderful and safe, but a person may appear who asks questions that the author of the story is not ready for.
Moreover, at first this can be perceived as something negative, and then, experiencing and thinking, the author of the story can thank this person, because perhaps the question is correct, the author was just not ready.
Sometimes participants write, “I didn’t think much of it, but I read the stories and realized it was a traumatic experience.” Can we say that a person projects other people’s experiences onto his own?
For example, there was a man who believed: “what happened, happened,” and then he read [the stories], looked and realized that it was a traumatic situation, and decided that now he was different because he perceived himself differently. And, probably, if it weren’t for the story he read, he wouldn’t even think about it.
On the other hand, something else could have led him to this [re-awareness]. Because perhaps the experience was truly traumatic, and the person with its help psychological defenses“I laid it down” and thought that everything was fine.
There are also false memories, which are built into memory. And we remember things that didn't actually happen. And maybe, after reading some story, we’ll come up with something similar [from our experience], strengthen it, experience some emotions about it, and think that it really happened to us. We will begin to have some feelings about this, although in reality everything might not be quite like that.
- Tell us how the mechanism of false memories works.
Let's take our childhood. It’s unlikely that we remember everything perfectly. We often remember only the most vivid events, but mainly the stories of other people: parents and peers. Or we remember something from a photograph. Or we remember some story related to photography. And we tend to think that these are our memories. There are studies that show that a person can be given false memories, imposing memories of events that did not happen in his life.
- What can be called trauma in a general sense?
Some negative event that affects a person causes them to experience pain, sometimes physical. But this is a very multi-level concept. Nowadays many things are called trauma. Being killed in front of a person is a trauma. Participated in hostilities - also a trauma. But they are categorically different, and we also experience them differently, although there are similarities.
You said that people often start to feel like victims. Flash mobs such as I'm Not Afraid to Say, Me Too and Face of Depression have been criticized for causing people involved to insist on victim status. Is this really true? And why does this happen?
There is one personality trait, and perhaps someone benefits from it: attention, support, lack of judgment. Flash mobs are indeed criticized for this. On the other hand, this kind of thing was never talked about before.
In America and Europe, the trend for flash mobs started earlier, and it reached us some time ago [in this form]: now we will talk about it (injuries - approx. "Papers") talk, show such people. Now it’s even exaggerated. It seems to me that over time [interest] will subside. And now [what happens is]: “Let’s talk about everything, let’s recognize all minorities.”
What's causing this excitement? Is it because there is simply a new trend or because of our mentality and the fact that certain topics have not been discussed for a long time?
It seems to me that it’s both. If it were a new trend, people would follow it and then move away from it. Still, he has not yet reached his peak.
- What are the pros and cons?
On the one hand, removing taboos is a plus. It’s great when you can talk about everything and everyone accepts everything. But everyone's level of acceptance is different. The destruction of some stereotypes and, in principle, the opportunity to simply say what you are like, what happened to you. Plus support: you can always find a group of people who will help you cope with your experience.
The disadvantages are that it sometimes attracts people who do not want to take part in it or know about it. For people who haven't experienced [trauma], it's often just a negative thing. I’m consulting now, and many of my clients try to hide, leave social networks, want to be on their own, to experience everything alone, and not with society.
Some flash mob participants may face bullying. Given social networks, has the mechanism of bullying changed in any way?
Bullying used to happen in small communities. The same class, somewhere at work. Cyberbullying is on the rise. Now people belong to more groups, communities, and in each of them a situation of bullying can arise.
This often happens in writing. And people [in this case] know no boundaries. When I talk to a person, it can get to the point of hand-to-hand combat, but there is still a line, you can cool down. And when a person writes, he can write to one, two, three, thus showing his aggression, but not working through it to the end. He poisons people, although he does not know them, but only made a conclusion based on their comment or photo.
- Can we say that the bullying has become harsher? For example, through the distribution of some intimate photographs?
Yes. There is more leverage, simply because there is more information about a person on social networks. There are more ways to do harm. You can find [the victim’s] friends and somehow influence through them.
What are the reasons for negative reactions to flash mobs? Why can they cause irritation, hostility and disgust among observers?
This may be due to the fact that there are too many such stories and a person accidentally came across something similar in the news feed. And he thought: “Why post such negativity again.” And wrote [response, comment]. Or there is some kind of trauma or some current event that touches, and therefore the person reacts so sharply.
- Can participation in flash mobs replace psychotherapy?
I think it can - and successfully. What happens here is what is considered a coming out: I didn’t tell anyone about something, but now I’m telling it. Moreover, it doesn’t matter what kind of information it is, but if I tell it for the first time, then I am vulnerable and watch how the society that reads or listens to me reacts to what I told. And it’s easier for me because I said everything and don’t keep this uniqueness a secret.
Someone has a similar story, and then I realize that I am not alone. And this is the most important thing that works at the group level: I see people who are like me, who are coping successfully, living well, everything is fine with them. And then I also have a conditional belief that everything can be fine for me too, and I can also cope with it.
This works very well as a delayed effect. Maybe then I will sit and remember other people’s stories or some of their words of support, and at some difficult moments they will pull me out. It's therapeutic.
A similar effect can be achieved through group therapy or personal counseling. Then it will be easier for me to talk and write about it. It’s not that the mechanism of processing the trauma starts from the moment of the story, but a new round will begin. And I will begin to process what hurts differently.
Journalist Anastasia Melnichenko started a flash mob “I’m not afraid to say” against violence against women in the Ukrainian segment of Facebook. Under a special hashtag, users tell stories of rape and sexual harassment, some men support them, others believe that the flash mob was a fake.
Journalist Anastasia Melnichenko wrote on July 5 Facebook about sexual harassment from men that she experienced in childhood and adolescence, emphasizing that in such situations the victim should not feel guilty.
I am 6-12 years old. A relative comes to visit us and loves to sit me on his lap. At some point, when I became a teenager, he wants to kiss me on the lips, I get indignant and run away. They call me "impolite."
I am 13 years old. I’m walking along Khreshchatyk, carrying home a bag of groceries in each hand... Suddenly a man coming towards me abruptly changes his trajectory and, from a running start, grabs me between my legs, so hard that he lifts me up on his arm. I'm so shocked that I don't know how to react. The man lets me go and calmly moves on.
I’m 21. I broke up with a psychopath, but I forgot my grandfather’s embroidered shirt... I go to his house, he twists me, forcibly undresses me and ties me to the bed, he doesn’t rape me, he “just” physically hurts me... He takes pictures of me naked and threatens to post the pictures on the Internet . For a long time I’m afraid to tell what he did to me, because I’m afraid of the photo... And I’m afraid because I’m ashamed of my body.- Anastasia Melnichenko
Anastasia called on women under the hashtag #I'm not afraid to tell (I'm not afraid to say) to tell their stories so that men understand what is happening around them.
Have men ever wondered what it's like to grow up in an atmosphere where you're treated like meat? You haven’t done anything, but everyone considers themselves to have the right to fuck you and dispose of your body. I know that this is unlikely to reach them. I wouldn’t explain anything at all, but, unfortunately, they are half of humanity.
The hashtag received a huge response in the Ukrainian segment of Facebook, under the hashtag #I'm not afraid to say, women tell their stories about sexual violence.
I was about 9 years old or so. I remember that day I wanted to dress to be beautiful. I wore a pink skirt and a blue long sleeve blouse and a headband on my hair. I really liked myself...
He was about 50. Trousers, brown T-shirt with a turn-down collar, smoky sunglasses, emerging bald spot, holding a briefcase. Not some outcast or stoner. A representative and respectable aged man.
“Girl, where is the nearest school here? I’m looking for young artists to star in films.”
“Don’t you want to act in films?”
The film was called "The Gardens of Babylon". That's what he said.
He needed to check something. And he led me into the nearest front door. It was echoing, cool and empty inside. And there he began to paw me. And I stood and endured. You must obey your elders. He probably really needs to check something. He's making a movie, after all.- Svietlana Spector
I'm 18. I quarrel with my parents and run away from home, walk down the street and cry. Some man says to me: “Girl, what happened?” I tell him everything, and he says: “Come on, I’ll make you some coffee, go away.” I believe him and go, fool. At home he rapes me and lets me go. I return to my room, remain silent and take a long shower. When a friend heard this story, all she said was what a great boyfriend you have, he didn’t leave you [after that].- Natalya Gaida
I’m 15. It’s a winter evening, I’m returning home from training. On the bus, two cops in uniform and with sunflower seeds press me to the handrail, separating me from others, and offer to “spend a cultural evening just with me. Why not? How come you don’t want to?” And again and again all the half an hour that it took to drive. I don’t remember how I ran away, but I remember that none of the passengers, of course, helped - everyone turned away, and everyone pretended that nothing was happening.- Anna Vovchenko
Men also began to react to the flash mob, many outraged by how cruel society is towards women.
I read a dozen stories under the hashtag #I’m not afraid to say. I want to take out a drill with nails and frantically f*ck the immoral monsters. The stories with girls aged 6-10 are most striking. This is a fierce p****t! And it is torn to pieces by the general mantra in society “it’s your own fault, keep quiet,” which is mentioned in almost every post. Society of slaves and cowards... Correct hashtag! The right idea!- Artem Sokolenko
Others speak out against the flash mob, consider it anti-men and made out of nothing, and emphasize that men also suffer from violence, including from women.
In response to the anti-men flash mob #I'm Not Afraid To Say, they suggest responding with the mirror #BabaDinamo. You know, it happens to everyone in life different cases, but this does not mean that everyone around is an idiot).- Vyacheslav Ponomarev
Dear women, I risk breaking your cravings. The role of the victim, the weaker sex, gender inequality and all that... I'm a man, I'm 37, and when I was 11, an elderly lecher tried to seduce me. Went to bed with me. I ran away when he started groping me. Sex didn't happen. Child molestation is disgusting, forced sex is undignified. And why is there a floor here? Are only women likely to get hurt? A woman can be both a victim and a rapist. Or an accomplice.- Evgeniy Mitsenko
After posts from men, Anastasia Melnichenko added to her first post a call for them to share similar stories. Facebook has already launched similar hashtags #I am not afraid to say and #IamNotAfraid so that stories about violence are published by Russian-speaking and English-speaking users.
Previously, Medialeaks talked about a resonant story in the United States, when a judge sentenced a 20-year-old Stanford University student to only a six-month prison sentence for rape. His victim wrote, which was published by major media outlets, Americans demanded the judge’s resignation.
We also wrote about the winners of the Miss Russia contest, who spoke in interviews, including about their appearance.
IN in social networks The flash mob #I'm Not Afraid to Say is actively discussed, which prompted many women to talk for the first time about the sexual harassment they experienced in at different ages. They all share their stories of helplessness and shame in order to stand up to sexual violence and support other girls who are unable to seek help, withdrawing into themselves after the nightmare they have experienced.
When we read articles about rapists and their victims, we involuntarily shudder with horror and disgust, and the compassionate thought “what a horror” flashes through our heads. After all, everyone knows well that it is extremely difficult to get rid of the physical and moral trauma caused by sexual violence, and even more difficult to admit it to other people. But have we ever thought that every woman, unfortunately, at least once was a victim of sexual harassment, which humiliated her and made her feel “dirty” and “wrong”? Unfortunately this is not controversial issue, but a statement of the fact that girls, starting from a very young age, experience unhealthy attention from the opposite sex.
And now we are not talking about innocent flirting, dating or natural sexual attraction. And about the fact that without a person’s permission they make him a sexual object and allow themselves to be touched and grossly harassed. Moreover, this happens due to the fact that a woman of any age, often also a minor, for many is just a moving object that provokes thoughts about sex.
We need to not only talk about the fact that this is wrong, but also shout to the whole world. Therefore, a Ukrainian flash mob appeared on social networks with the hashtag #I'mNotAfraidToSpeak, in which women write frank posts with confessions about what kind of sexual harassment they have experienced in their lives. Such a brave and important movement against violence was started by Anastasia Melnichenko, telling several cases from her life. She was the first to admit that the girl had been experiencing dirty and unpleasant actions in her direction since she was 6 years old. And at a conscious age, she can become an object of blackmail, which is based on shame.
“I'm not afraid to say it. And I don't feel guilty.
I am 6−12 years old. A relative is coming to visit us. He loves to put me on his lap. At some point, when I was already a teenager, he wants to kiss me on the lips. I get indignant and run. They call me "ignorant."
I am 13 years old. I walk along Khreshchatyk, carrying home a bag of groceries in each hand. I walk the section from KSCA to TSUM. Soon my home. Suddenly, the uncle who was coming towards me abruptly changed his trajectory and grabbed me between my legs as he accelerated. He grabs so hard that he lifts me up in his arm. I'm so shocked that I just don't know how to react. Uncle lets me go and moves on calmly.
I’m 21. I broke up with a psychopath (real, clinical), but I forgot my grandfather’s embroidered shirt at his house, which I wanted for him. I'm going to his house. He twists me, forcibly undresses me and ties me to the bed. No, he doesn't rape. “Simply” hurts physically. I feel powerless because I cannot influence the situation in any way. He takes pictures of me naked and threatens to post them on the Internet.
For a long time I am afraid to talk about what he did to me, because I am afraid of photos on the Internet. And I’m afraid because I’m very shy about my body (it’s funny to remember now).”
We are publishing a few more stories that girls shared on the Internet. All of them did not do this anonymously, but out of respect we will not write their names or post their photographs:
#I'm Not Afraid to Say, although in fact I'm afraid, but enough. I don't know what will happen next, but in the end I never know.
I’m 8. I’m returning home from school, I call the elevator, at the last moment a boy of about 25 years old gets into the elevator. Under the pretext of some kind of imaginary check that was supposed to take place at school, he takes me in the elevator to the top floor of the house, where we lived, then he drags us into the attic and rapes us there.
Physics teacher, 10th grade. Basement (he also taught labor classes there). He called me to retake the laboratory... When I was about to leave, I started making jokes, like “it’s a pity that I was born much earlier, otherwise we could have...”, and suddenly he said - and we can now... I fell into a stupor, I couldn’t move from horror. He started talking about “I would help you with physics” and reached for the fastener on my clothes. And here, out of horror, I came out of my stupor and rushed out of the basement. She ran away, he didn’t catch up. I told everyone I could about it - my classmates, to the class teacher. But in the villages they don’t like to raise a scandal. Then they simply sympathized with me and said that I was not the first to do this.
A neighbor showing off his penis, and I’m about 4 years old, and I climbed onto the window and, out of fear, closed the curtains to hide.
The man who ran into the entrance behind me, a second-grader, and grabbed me between my legs, the endless exhibitionist demonstrators in the entrances, the surgeon who was supposed to examine the injured tailbone, but apparently decided to play gynecologist and examined him vaginally, with his hands without gloves, without a nurse, about 15 minutes... An old idiot who tried to rape me all night in a train compartment, another neighbor in the compartment who climbed onto my shelf at night and tried to get into all the places, a friend whom I had known for many years and with whom I completely trustingly stayed overnight after the party and who decided that this was a reason to have sex in a friendly manner, numerous attempts to impose virtual sex, etc.
I'm 10. Village, stove. Grandma's neighbor came by on some business. He sat down next to him and stroked his knee and above. I'm in a stupor, I don't know what to do.
I'm 13. Same village. I spent the evening on the dam with some guys I've known for years. They didn't do anything special. We sat and chatted. I say goodbye and go home. I understand that some of the guys are following me.
Next picture: I’m in the nearby bushes, they’re trying to pull off my panties. I'm actively fighting back. That was the end of it. They didn’t succeed, and then they turned everything into a game. And all relatively children were 13-16. And I pretended that nothing was wrong.
I’m 12 or 13, my parents and brother and I are at a recreation center either near Odessa or Berdyansk. Wooden houses and showers in the corners of the base. Even before lunch after the beach, I went to the shower to wash off the sand and water. For some reason, mom didn’t go, but what could have happened in the shower 200 meters from the house, in the middle of the day at a crowded base.
But there was no one in the shower. I undressed and began to wash myself in the stall farthest from the door. And a naked man walked into the women's shower. He pinned me in a corner and started touching me all over. I was lucky - after a couple of minutes a group of aunts fell in. The freak quickly ran out. Then my dad spent a long time looking for him around the base and neighboring ones. I never found it.
I thought for a long time whether to write or not. There are events in my life that no more than five people know about. It’s not because I’m hiding it, it’s just that this topic doesn’t come up. And at what point should you trust a person with a story about the violence they experienced? And is it worth it?
When I was eight years old, I was sexually abused for the first time by a close relative. Sometimes I think I've worked it out. But now my hands begin to shake and it’s hard to breathe.
Facebook has exploded with a huge number of monstrous stories. And the most monstrous thing about them is that it real life. There was a similar story in my life too and I never told anyone about it.
Why? Why are millions of girls silent? Because they are brought up with the thought: “If anything happens to you, I will kill you!” Since childhood, they have been hammered into guilt for everything! And we live with this guilt for everything.
Just read, go to Facebook and type the tag The flash mob started on the Ukrainian network, so there are even more stories under the tag.
And think about it. If something happens to your daughter, does she know that you will help her? Or does she understand that for you it’s always her own fault?
Yes, this happened to me too. In broad daylight, when I was walking from school, I didn’t look invitingly at anyone (I was always in my own thoughts) and dressed anti-provocatively for a teenager.
Therefore, all the cries of “samaduravinovata” are a hypocritical attempt to hide from reality. A reality in which there are a considerable number of men who believe that if they are big and strong, then everything is possible for them.
I was lucky because one of the neighbors knocked on the door and I managed to break free and run away.
And now I’m reading stories of girls who didn’t have a chance. Who have gone through this more than once or twice. Because the rapist was a stepfather or natural father. I read stories of girls whose mothers turned a blind eye to it. And this is monstrous.
And I understand that now at this very moment this is happening to some girl and no one will come to her aid and the rapist will calmly continue to live, as if nothing had happened. Or maybe even consider himself a tough guy.
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Facebook has exploded with a huge number of monstrous stories. And the most monstrous thing about them is that this is real life. There was a similar story in my life too and I never told anyone about it. Why? Why are millions of girls silent? Because they...
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