Why do many psychologists, in search of the causes of a client’s psychological problems, turn their gaze to childhood and to relationships with significant others - with parents? And they find the main problem in the child’s relationship with mom and dad. After such intimate sessions with a psychologist, adult children with a bunch of psychological problems begin to quietly hate their parents. Are all the problems from childhood? Look for the beginning of all beginnings of this approach in Freud’s pseudo-science theory. Why pseudoscientific? Has anyone proven the scientific nature of psychology?
“The psyche is homeless and here you can prove anything!” (Yaroslav Ukrainsky)
PSYCHOANALYTIC THEORIES OF CHILD DEVELOPMENT
1. Sigmund Freud's theory
In one of the old books about psychoanalysis, A. Schopenhauer is quoted as saying that human soul is a tight knot that cannot be untied, and Sigmund Freud is the first scientist to make an attempt to unravel this knot.
Psychoanalysis originated as a method of treatment, but almost immediately it was accepted as a means of obtaining psychological facts, which became the basis of a psychological system.
Analysis of free associations of patients led S. Freud to the conclusion that illnesses of the adult personality are reduced to childhood experiences. Childhood experiences, according to S. Freud, are of a sexual nature. These are feelings of love and hatred towards a father or mother, jealousy towards a brother or sister, etc. Z. Freud believed that this experience has an unconscious influence on the subsequent behavior of an adult. Despite the fact that the method of psychoanalysis was developed on adult subjects and requires significant additions for the study of children, the data obtained by S. Freud indicate the decisive role childhood experience in personality development. While conducting research, S. Freud was surprised by the inability of patients to understand the meaning of their memories, free associations and dreams. What was clear to S. Freud himself, the patients resolutely denied. Patients thought and lived in one coordinate system, while another layer of their life - the level of the unconscious - an extremely important determinant of their behavior, was rejected by them as non-existent. Only after many psychoanalytic sessions did patients begin to understand the unconscious meaning of what they said and did. It was these extremely important, unconscious determinants of behavior that became the subject of research for S. Freud. Two discoveries of S. Freud - the discovery of the unconscious and the discovery of the sexual principle - form the basis of the theoretical concept of psychoanalysis.
In the first years of his work, S. Freud represented mental life consisting of three levels: unconscious, preconscious and conscious. He considered the unconscious, saturated with sexual energy, to be the source of the instinctive charge that gives motivational force to behavior. S. Freud designated it with the term “libido”. This sphere is closed from consciousness due to prohibitions imposed by society. In the preconscious, mental experiences and images are crowded together, which without much difficulty can become the subject of awareness. Consciousness does not passively reflect the processes contained in the sphere of the unconscious, but is in a state of constant antagonism with them, a conflict caused by the need to suppress sexual desires. Initially, this scheme was applied to the explanation of clinical facts obtained as a result of the analysis of the behavior of neurotics.
Later, in his works “I and It” and “Beyond Pleasure,” S. Freud proposed a different model of human personality. He argued that personality consists of three main components: the id, the ego and the superego. “It” is the most primitive component, the carrier of instincts, “a seething cauldron of drives.” Being irrational and unconscious, the “It” obeys the pleasure principle. The “I” instance follows the principle of reality and takes into account the features of the external world, its properties and relationships. The “super-ego” serves as the bearer of moral standards. This part of the personality plays the role of critic and censor. If the “I” makes a decision or takes an action to please the “It”, but in opposition to the “Super-Ego,” then it will experience punishment in the form of feelings of guilt and reproaches of conscience. Since the demands on the “I” from the “It”, “Super-Ego” and reality are incompatible, it is inevitable that he will remain in a situation of conflict, creating unbearable tension, from which the personality is saved with the help of special " defense mechanisms" – such as, for example, repression, projection, regression, sublimation. Repression means the involuntary elimination of feelings, thoughts and desires for action from consciousness. Projection is the transfer of one’s affective experiences of love or hatred to another person. Regression is a slipping to a more primitive level behavior or thinking. Sublimation is one of the mechanisms through which the forbidden sexual energy transferred in the form of activities acceptable to the individual and to the society in which he lives.
Personality, according to S. Freud, is the interaction of mutually stimulating and restraining forces. Psychoanalysis studies the nature of these forces and the structure according to which this reciprocal interaction occurs. The dynamics of personality are determined by the action of instincts. They consist of four components: motivation; goal, that is, achieved satisfaction; an object with the help of which a goal can be achieved; the source from which the impulse is generated. One of the main provisions of psychoanalytic teaching on personality development is that sexuality is the main human motive. It is important to emphasize that S. Freud interpreted sexuality very broadly. In his opinion, this is everything that gives bodily pleasure. For small child- these are caresses, touches, stroking the body, hugs, kisses, pleasure from sucking, from emptying the intestines, from a warm bath and much more, without which life is impossible and which every baby constantly receives from the mother to one degree or another. In childhood, sexual feelings are very general and diffuse. Infantile sexuality precedes adult sexuality, but never completely determines adult sexual experiences.
Sexual drives, according to S. Freud, are ambivalent in nature. There are instincts of life and death, therefore, the individual is initially characterized by constructive and destructive tendencies.
In accordance with his sexual theory of the psyche, S. Freud reduces all stages of human mental development to stages of transformation and movement through different erogenous zones of libidinal, or sexual energy.
Erogenous zones are areas of the body that are sensitive to stimulation; when stimulated, they cause satisfaction of libidinal feelings. Each stage has its own libidinal zone, the stimulation of which creates libidinal pleasure. The movement of these zones will create a sequence of stages of mental development. Thus, psychoanalytic stages are stages of the genesis of the psyche during the life of a child. They reflect the development of the “It”, “I”, “Super-Ego” and the mutual influence between them.
Oral stage (0-1 year). The oral stage is characterized by the fact that the main source of pleasure, and therefore potential frustration, is concentrated in the area of activity associated with feeding. The oral stage consists of two phases - early and late, occupying the first and second half of life. It is characterized by two sequential libidinal actions (sucking and biting). The leading erogenous area at this stage is the mouth, an instrument of feeding, sucking and initial examination of objects. Sucking, according to S. Freud, is a type of sexual manifestation of a child. If the baby could express his feelings, it would undoubtedly be an admission that “sucking the mother’s breast is the most important thing in life.”
At first, sucking is associated with food pleasure, but after some time sucking becomes a libidinal action, on the basis of which the “It” instincts are consolidated: the child sometimes sucks in the absence of food and even sucks his thumb. This type of pleasure in S. Freud’s interpretation coincides with sexual pleasure and finds objects of its satisfaction in stimulation own body. Therefore, he calls this stage autoerotic. In the first half of life, S. Freud believed, the child does not yet separate his sensations from the object that caused them. It can be assumed that the child’s world is a world without objects. The child lives in a state of primary narcissism, in which he is not aware of the existence of other objects in the world. The global baseline narcissistic state is sleep, where the infant feels warm and has no interest in the outside world. In the second phase of infancy, the child begins to form an idea of another object (mother) as a being independent of him. You may notice that the child experiences anxiety when the mother leaves or a stranger appears in her place.
The prenatal existence of humans, according to S. Freud, in contrast to most animals, is relatively shortened; he is born less prepared than they are. Thus, the influence of the real external world increases, the differentiation of “I” and “It” develops, the dangers from the external world increase and the importance of the object, which alone can protect against these dangers and, as it were, compensate for the lost intrauterine life, grows excessively. And this object is the mother. The biological connection with the mother causes a need to be loved, which never leaves the person again. Of course, the mother cannot satisfy all the baby’s desires on demand; With the best care, limitations are inevitable. They are the source of differentiation, highlighting the object. Thus, at the beginning of life, the distinction between internal and external, according to the views of S. Freud, is achieved not on the basis of the perception of objective reality, but on the basis of the experience of pleasure and displeasure associated with the actions of another person.
In the second half of the oral stage, with the appearance of teeth, a bite is added to sucking, which gives the action an aggressive character, satisfying the child’s libidinal need. The mother does not allow the child to bite her breast. Thus, the desire for pleasure begins to come into conflict with reality. According to Z. Freud, a newborn does not have an “I”. This psychic authority gradually differentiates from his “It”. The “I” instance is a part of “It”, modified under the direct influence of the external world. The functioning of the “I” instance is associated with the principle of “satisfaction - lack of satisfaction.” As just noted, the child's first knowledge of objects in the external world occurs through the mother. In her absence, the child experiences a state of dissatisfaction and, thanks to this, begins to distinguish and single out the mother, since the absence of a mother for him is, first of all, a lack of pleasure. At this stage, the “Super-I” instance does not yet exist, and the child’s “I” is in constant conflict with the “It”. The lack of satisfaction of the desires and needs of the child at this stage of development, as it were, “freezes” a certain amount of mental energy, libido is fixed, which constitutes an obstacle to further normal development. A child who does not receive sufficient satisfaction of his oral needs is forced to continue to seek substitutes to satisfy them and therefore cannot move on to the next stage of genetic development.
These ideas of S. Freud served as an impetus for the study of critical periods, during which favorable conditions develop for solving the genetic problem inherent in age. If it is not solved, then it is much more difficult for the child to solve the problems of the next age period.
At the oral stage of libido fixation in a person, according to S. Freud, certain personality traits are formed: gluttony, greed, demandingness, dissatisfaction with everything offered. Already at the oral stage, according to his ideas, people are divided into optimists and pessimists.
The anal stage (1-3 years), like the oral stage, consists of two phases. At this stage, libido is concentrated around the anus, which becomes the object of attention of the child, accustomed to neatness. Now children's sexuality finds the object of its satisfaction in mastering the functions of defecation and excretion. Here the child encounters many prohibitions, so external world appears before him as a barrier that he must overcome, and development here acquires a conflicting character.
In relation to the child’s behavior at this stage, we can say that the “I” instance is fully formed and is now able to control the impulses of the “It”. The child’s “I” learns to resolve conflicts by finding compromises between the desire for pleasure and reality. Social coercion, punishment from parents, fear of losing their love force the child to mentally imagine and internalize certain prohibitions. Thus, the child’s “Super-I” begins to form as part of his “I”, where the authorities, the influence of parents and adults who play very important role as educators in a child's life. Character traits that are formed at the anal stage, according to psychoanalysts, are neatness, neatness, punctuality; stubbornness, secrecy, aggressiveness; hoarding, thriftiness, penchant for collecting. All these qualities are a consequence of the child’s different attitude towards natural, bodily processes, which were the object of his attention during his training in neatness even at the pre-speech level of development.
The phallic stage (3-5 years) characterizes the highest stage of childhood sexuality. The genital organs become the leading erogenous zone. Until now, children's sexuality was autoerotic, now it is becoming objective, that is, children begin to experience sexual attachment to adults. The first people who attract a child's attention are parents. S. Freud called libidinal attachment to parents of the opposite sex the Oedipus complex for boys and the Electra complex for girls, defining them as the motivational-affective relationship of the child to the parent of the opposite sex. In the Greek myth about King Oedipus, who killed his father and married his mother, hidden, according to S. Freud, is the key to the sexual complex: the boy is attracted to his mother, perceiving his father as a rival, causing both hatred and fear.
Resolution, or liberation from the Oedipus complex occurs at the end of this stage under the influence of fear of castration, which, according to S. Freud, forces the boy to renounce sexual attraction to his mother and identify himself with his father. By repressing this complex, the “Super-I” instance is completely differentiated. That is why overcoming the Oedipus complex plays an important role in mental development child. Thus, by the end of the phallic stage, all three mental authorities have already been formed and are in constant conflict with each other. Main role the authority “I” plays. She retains the memory of the past and acts on the basis of realistic thinking. However, this authority must now fight on two fronts: against the destructive principles of the “It” and at the same time against the severity of the “Super-Ego”. Under these conditions, a state of anxiety appears as a signal for the child, warning of internal or external dangers. In this struggle, repression and sublimation become mechanisms for protecting the “I.” According to S. Freud, the most important periods in a child’s life end before the age of five; It is at this time that the main personality structures are formed. According to S. Freud, the phallic stage corresponds to the emergence of such personality traits as introspection, prudence, rational thinking, and subsequently the exaggeration of male behavior with increased aggressiveness.
The latent stage (5-12 years) is characterized by a decrease in sexual interest. The psychic authority “I” completely controls the needs of “It”; being divorced from a sexual goal, libido energy is transferred to the development of universal human experience, enshrined in science and culture, as well as to the establishment of friendly relationships with peers and adults outside the family environment.
Genital stage (12-18 years) - characterized by an increase in children's sexual aspirations, now all former erogenous zones are united, and the teenager, from the point of view of S. Freud, strives for one goal - normal sexual communication. However, the implementation of normal sexual intercourse may be difficult, and then phenomena of fixation or regression to one or another of the previous stages of development with all their features can be observed during the genital stage. At this stage, the “I” agency must fight against the aggressive impulses of the “It”, which again make themselves felt. So, for example, at this stage the Oedipus complex may re-emerge, which pushes the young man towards homosexuality, the preferred choice for communication with people of the same sex. To fight against the aggressive impulses of the “It,” the “I” instance uses two new defense mechanisms. This is asceticism and intellectualization. Asceticism, with the help of internal prohibitions, inhibits this phenomenon, and intellectualization reduces it to a simple representation in the imagination and in this way allows the teenager to free himself from these obsessive desires.
When a child becomes an adult, his character is determined by the process of development of his "Id", "I" and "Super-Ego" and their interactions. Normal development, according to S. Freud, occurs through the mechanism of sublimation, and development, which occurs through the mechanisms of repression, regression or fixation, gives rise to pathological characters.
The two most striking types of character that form at this stage are described: mental homosexuality and narcissism. In psychoanalysis, mental homosexuality is not always viewed as a gross sexual perversion. These may be forms of behavior in which love for the other sex is replaced by comradely affection, friendship, social activity in the society of people of the same sex. Such people build their lives and actions on the basis of society's preference for family and create close social ties in the company of people of the same sex. The second type of sexual character is narcissism. It is characterized by the fact that the libido of the individual is, as it were, taken away from the object and directed towards himself. The narcissistic personality views himself as the object of his sexual desires; for her, external objects of pleasure recede into the background, and self-satisfaction and self-satisfaction occupy the main place. Such characters direct their attention primarily to themselves, their actions, their experiences.
What is the secret of S. Freud’s enormous influence on the whole modern psychology up to the present day? Firstly, this is a dynamic concept of development, and secondly, this is a theory that has shown that for human development, the main thing is the other person, and not the objects that surround him. According to modern American psychologists J. Watson and G. Lidgren, Z. Freud was ahead of his century and, like Charles Darwin, destroyed the narrow, rigid boundaries of the common sense of his time and cleared new territory for the study of human behavior.
“The extraordinary development of the teachings of S. Freud - we will not be mistaken if we call this success extraordinary,” wrote S. Freud’s contemporary, Oswald Bümke, “became possible only because official science was so far from reality; it, apparently, is so knew little about actual mental experiences that anyone who wanted to know something about " mental life"she served a stone instead of bread." “The old “mosaic” experimental psychology studied only individual elements of mental life and did little about their functional unity in the real human personality; it almost did not study its actions, behavior, complex experiences and dynamics,” wrote A.R. Luria.
L.S. Vygotsky evaluates the history of psychoanalysis as follows: “The ideas of psychoanalysis were born from private discoveries in the field of neuroses; the fact of the subconscious determination of a number of psychic phenomena and the fact of hidden sexuality... Gradually, this private discovery, confirmed by the success of therapeutic influence,... was transferred to a number of neighboring areas - to the psychopathology of everyday life, to child psychology... This idea subjugated the most distant branches of psychology... psychology art, ethnic psychology... Sexuality has turned into a metaphysical principle... Communism and the totem, the church and the work of Dostoevsky... - all this is a disguised and disguised gender, sex and nothing more"
L.S. Vygotsky showed what is useful and valuable in psychoanalysis, and what is unnecessary and harmful in it. Thus, he wrote: “The solution found by Freud... I would not declare a great path in science or a road for everyone, but an Alpine path over the abysses for those free from vertigo.” In Russia there were such people: I.D. Ermakov, S.N. Spielrein, V.G. Schmidt and others.
Now closely dealing with the problems of childhood psychological trauma and working with children in a family context, and in parallel with adults, it is difficult not to notice the reality - most of the problems experienced by adults in the present are an echo of unfinished experiences of childhood.
THE CHILD IS IN MY HEAD
In any of us, even in the most prosperous and successful adult, there can live a “wounded child”: misunderstood, unloved and helpless. That child, whose voice and feelings we would like to push out of our memory forever, but who, regardless of our efforts, periodically peeks out from his hiding place and persistently asks for care, recognition and love.
That inner child that influences our current adult life: on feelings and thoughts, on the choice of partners, on relationships with our children, on our achievements and level of aspirations, on our goals and self-esteem, on ways of obtaining pleasure and coping with crises and stress .
And we may not be aware of this child hidden in us until we notice that something is happening in our lives with a certain persistence and cyclicality, and we want to understand the invisible reasons that control our destiny.
And these reasons are indeed difficult to discern, because they are far in the past, and, most often, cannot be discovered by us on our own, without the participation and support of a professional psychologist. They are hidden behind layers of numerous garments of memory.
In the practice of psychologists working with addictions, depression, relationship problems and self-esteem disorders, the topic of childhood psychological trauma often comes up. But this is not discovered at the first consultation, because people tend to positively distort their childhood and justify their parents.
And, if our parents did not beat us until we bled with a piece of wire, but simply “intelligently” ignored us for a day (and sometimes longer) as punishment, or, mercifully forgiving, informed us that “next time, we will be handed over for something like this.” to an orphanage,” then we no longer see anything abnormal in their behavior, and we even blame ourselves for ruining their lives.
Because we cannot accept the idea that our parents were cruel to us. On the contrary, we live in the belief that adults did everything they could, and in the way it was necessary. After all, parents always “know” what is best for their child and act with good intentions.
FROM PRACTICE
A pretty, professionally accomplished, unmarried woman of 34 years old came to me for a consultation; let’s call her Tatyana. In great anxiety and confusion. A long-term relationship (1.5 years) is falling apart, and things are just about to lead to a wedding. And the “horror” for her is that this is her third attempt to get married. She doesn’t understand what is happening and who is to blame?
Relationships always involve two people, but if the same scenario is repeated regularly, it would be good to start by answering the questions for yourself: what kind of partners do I choose? What attracts me to them? What am I like with them, in this relationship? what I feel? Is this how I want to be? and is this something to feel? What do I do to stay alone? and how do I do this?
We started with these questions. Tatyana hastily answered that she was afraid of loneliness and did not want to stay in it, but from time to time she found herself in it. The study of her own life interested the woman and she stayed for therapy because she realized that it’s not just that relationships with men are not working out, but that she, in general, feels like a victim in relationships all her life, and puts the interests of others above her own, and you need to figure out why this happens and how to change your life.
After some time, it turned out that she chose unavailable for intimacy (counterdependent) men who were reserved with her, emotionally cold and “allowed themselves to be loved,” and she tried in every possible way to please them.Up to a certain point, these men were impressed by her gentleness, caringness, and willingness to follow their rules, but she did not admit to them that she herself lacked warmth, intimacy and support from them in this relationship. The woman tolerated the “parallel existence”, fearing to seem “intrusive and capricious”, and did not insist on clarifying the relationship, hoping that over time, everything would work out on its own - “there is no need to rush the situation.”
And so, at that moment when the man proposed to Tatyana, it seemed to her that she deserved it. And this was for her the highest degree of recognition of her merits and not in vain sacrifice (“After all, even her mother did not get her married!”). At the moment of joyful excitement and emerging self-confidence, she became more direct and open with her chosen ones, and at the same time, demanding. She wanted a trusting relationship, and she began to talk about her needs and experiences, ask for more attention to herself... This is where the relationship ended.
FATHER IMAGE
The reasons for the relationship not working out became obvious to the client after, as she put it, “digging in the sandbox.” As an adult, Tatyana unconsciously chose men similar to her father - professionally successful, distant and selfish (her father left the family when the girl was six years old, never entering into an official marriage with her mother).
She grew up as an affectionate and sympathetic girl, and constantly tried to get support and recognition from her father, who was busy all the time, and his upbringing amounted only to “reading lectures and reproaches of obsession,” while he was “very handsome, smart and in demand... good for others and distant for me.”
When their father left them with their mother, the girl decided that it was also her fault. Having matured a little, Tanya “made an oath” to herself - when she grows up, she will not open up to men completely, showing her vulnerability, but will support them in everything, tying them to her with her unpretentiousness, necessity and comfort of communication. But it was not easy for her to maintain such a relationship all the time, and she was waiting for the right moment to open up to her man.You already know what happened next.
Thus, Tatyana doomed herself to the role of a victim in relationships with men, to the impossibility of intimacy and, ultimately, to loneliness. So, in a 34-year-old woman, a defenseless girl was discovered, passionately wanting a close, trusting and safe relationship, which she was deprived of in childhood, and about which she knew practically nothing - how it happens and what needs to be done in order for it to arise .
Tatyana’s story ended with the awareness of the “failed choices” of her ex-men, sadness about lost time, joy from the new prospects, anger at her parents and their forgiveness, a sense of the value of her own self and the beginning of a new relationship, which from the very beginning was not like all the previous ones.
COME FROM CHILDHOOD
We often underestimate the absence in our childhood emotional intimacy with parents, lack of understanding and disregard for our feelings, disrespect for our needs, excessive pressure to do any “useful” activities or control over our every action.
Having become adults, we do not suspect that the reasons for our unsuccessful relationships, depression, divorces, all kinds of addictions: love, food, alcohol, nicotine... and even work- and shopaholism - originate from childhood and grow into today.
Our “I” is formed in childhood. We are all products of those who are close to us during our childhood, those who love us or deny us love. For any person, support and love are the greatest gift. Love manifests itself most powerfully in the fact that we free those we love from limiting frameworks, from complexes and inspire them to create a worthy life.
At the very beginning of life, each of us is like an unopened flower. Only after the flower receives warmth and love will it open and all its beauty will become visible. Likewise, a child needs parental care, attention and approval in order to open up. If he does not receive enough love and approval, then his bud will never bloom.
There is a pain that sits deep in a person's chest, and it is unlike any other pain. People go to bed with this pain and get up with it. Sometimes the pain is so severe that mental illness occurs and the person needs professional help. If a child lacks understanding, then by the time he grows up and becomes an adult, his heart will be filled with grievances and he will be absorbed only in his own misfortunes, he will not be able to move away from himself to love anyone else.
I don’t communicate with my father and haven’t seen him for years, but I know that I would make peace with him instantly if he had the courage and apologized for all his mistakes: for never saying the most important words, for placed a burden of guilt and insecurities on me, doing things and saying words that convinced me that I was worthless. Because in adulthood it was difficult for me to restore the feeling self-esteem, because I didn’t know how to love for a long time. Because I made many fatal mistakes that led to nervous breakdowns, and all because I lacked the knowledge of how to act correctly in a given situation, because I had no one to turn to for advice...
And so, we were all children, but not everyone remembers this part of their life with pleasure.
Personally, I thought and was sure that everything would be different for me, that I would always understand my child and be his best friend. But one day I realized that I was stepping on the same rake and making the same mistakes that my parents made! Without wanting this, I subconsciously copy the behavior model of my parents. This is where the saying “we are slaves to our habits” is true.
Yes, I provide better for my child, I don’t drink alcohol, I don’t smoke, I’m not subject to any harmful passions, but I commit the same painful actions! I'm robbing him of his self-respect and self-confidence. What does this mean? Criticism. Reproaches. Disapproval. Suppression by your authority. Inattention.
For example, at first I thought it would be better if the child did homework alone and alone. I wanted him to learn to pay attention and couldn’t understand why school wasn’t something important for him. Then I realized my mistake. I myself did not pay attention to what I wanted to educate in him. By giving him freedom, I showed that I do not attach of great importance lessons at school. Accordingly, he began to pay even less attention to them.
The child needs support; he cannot yet imagine the importance of success at school. He needs to communicate his thoughts most important people in his life. This applies not only to lessons, but to everything in general. If parents do not pay enough attention to the child, then he will look for support elsewhere, and it’s good if these are prosperous peers.
Now, when the child does homework, I am nearby and help if necessary.
Never use criticism, i.e. destructive criticism towards children. They are very sensitive to any kind of criticism coming from their parents. They may not respond visibly, but inside they experience terrible pain.
Each outburst of negative emotions deals a serious blow to the child’s psyche. Stress can accumulate indefinitely and reveal itself as numerous complexes and phobias in adult life.
Without meaning to, we ourselves can destroy the child’s personality. When we judge him, he feels unworthy and insecure, and he loses self-respect. At the same time, he himself is programmed for a similar model of behavior in the future and learns to judge, learns to feel guilty, instead of learning love, understanding and developing a strong character. The child is more of an imitator than a thinker.
Parents who try to avoid any discomfort under the slogan of "education" are actually instilling in the child the habit of focusing only on himself - a habit that will bring nothing but unhappiness.
If you make fun of your child's shortcomings, thus trying to force him to do what you need, remember yourself as a child... How did you feel when your parents criticized you? - that’s right, you felt unloved and misunderstood, you were offended.
Resentment towards parents will stick in your head and will remain there for the rest of your life. Psychological trauma inflicted in childhood can bleed for decades. Adults with neuroses, mental problems, emotional disturbances and serious setbacks in their personal lives and careers, were children who received little love but a lot of disapproval.
True parental love requires forgetting your expectations. Children do not have to live up to the bar you set for them. Parents who strive to promote their children's success often fail to recognize that behind this lies an unfulfilled desire for their own success.
When you try to force your child to be someone that he does not want and cannot be, his willpower, his own potential, will weaken. A child does not have to live up to anyone’s expectations; he is unique, he is an individual.
If the requirements are too strict, this leads to the fact that the child begins to think that his value lies only in respecting the wishes of his parents. He feels that as an individual he is worth very little, hence the inferiority complex. When parents treat a child as a burden and keep him in a state of subordination to their will, they plant the seeds of this complex in him for life. The child comes to the conclusion that he himself is nothing and is tormented by worthlessness - a thought that can undermine self-confidence for the rest of his life.
When a child's behavior deviates from parental expectations, you do not have the right to take your love back, even temporarily. Otherwise, you will lay the foundation for future problems with your own hands.
Any negativity emanating from a person in adulthood is a desire to get rid of the feelings of resentment and anger that are generated at the beginning of life. A person's behavior is a reaction to how he was treated as a child. It is not for nothing that psychotherapists devote Special attention patient's memories of childhood. Because the basic personality traits are formed from the first years of life.
In the process of personality formation in a child, who is often subjected to criticism and punishment, inevitable deviations arise that lead to neuroses and emotional disorders. This and the inability to install a good relationship with other people, these are fears, discomfort from communication, this is self-doubt and social phobia. Of course, such parents will justify their demandingness, anger and display of emotions by the desire to raise their children to be obedient. But isn’t this our own internal discomfort? And the children will have mental trauma for the rest of their lives.
One of the biggest grievances a person has is that their parents did not say, “I apologize for the pain I once caused you.” Therefore, now I accept full responsibility for all my words and actions, which can give rise to guilt and complexes in my child. I'm not perfect, yes, but I'm not afraid to show it to him if I feel like I'm wrong. I will apologize if I’m wrong, I can get angry and say something out of anger, but I immediately take my words back, saying “forgive me.” And guess what? — the child not only loves and trusts me, but also sees me as his best friend.
Please do not forget that punishment in a state of irritation is a very dangerous thing in itself, and if you do not apologize. Don't forget that children think differently than adults. They do not know how to think in terms of cause and effect. If the child is not explained the danger of his action (for example, he ran across the road), then from the whole scandal he will retain only one thing: I am bad.
But children are always ready to forgive and forget insults. If they see that you have the courage to admit your mistakes, this will set an example for them. The most effective lessons are those that parents give by example.
The child must be sure that nothing can affect your love for him, no matter what he does. If a child understands that he is loved and imperfect, this increases his own self-worth, confidence and self-esteem. And he himself will strive to ensure that he no longer upsets you.
And so, the first years of life are the most important in a person’s life. and much of what is called a person’s choice will be determined by the lessons that parents gave by their example. We are the source of our children's behavior. The fate of our children is in our hands.
The well-being of a child depends not on what is happening in the country and the world, but on specific events in the family. Why do children throw tantrums and often get sick? Why is early reading harmful to children? Why does a child need to be told about their parents' divorce? Larisa Milova, a practical psychologist with 20 years of experience, will talk about the problems of Tula families with children.
Larisa Milova worked as a psychologist in the emergency helpline service, city and regional centers diagnostics and consultation, in family center"Super kids." She provides psychotherapy for adults and advises families on relationships with children.
Each family has its own “skeleton in shcafe"
In principle, the problems with which Tula residents turn to a psychologist can be reduced to 5-7 situations. The most relevant are relationships with children of divorced parents. For example, the parents divorced a year ago, but the child was not told about it. And having fallen into a kind of “bag of fate”, they don’t know how to get out of it - either talk to the child about it, or continue to remain silent. A similar situation - a man has a family on the side, lives there, and a “beautiful” legend has been invented for the child of his first marriage. By the way, they are all carbon copies - dad is on a business trip, he is a pilot, a sailor, etc.
Children feel everything and understand everything. After all, sometimes it is enough for them to hear some phrases, catch intonation in order to understand the situation. And if it is not clarified, the child will think about it, fantasize and - don’t be surprised! - will begin to get sick often and behave badly (according to adults). But parents often insist on keeping their divorce secret. Sooner or later the child will find out the truth. And the fact that he was deceived for many years will simply undermine his trust in his parents.
Children can act as psychotherapists for their parents. They often treat the parental family, taking on the burden and responsibility for the parents. If a child breaks an arm or a leg, normal parents unite around the child and begin to communicate normally.
There are a lot of divorces in Tula. Therefore, I am often asked the question of how to build a relationship between divorced parents and a child. For example, a son or daughter lives with his mother after his parents divorce. He calls his dad and asks him to come, because there is a conflict with his mother: “Dad, take me to your place!” How to determine how much time and when each parent should spend with the child?
Very often, mom does not allow dad to see his son or daughter after a divorce. It is clear that people get divorced for a reason, there is some kind of negativity, conflict. But as a result of this situation, the child develops an incorrect understanding of masculine and feminine. One parent is endowed with positive traits, and the other with negative ones. And a terrible contradiction arises inside the child - after all, he has half of his mother and half of his father! An unstructured communication schedule in the event of a parental divorce increases the child’s anxiety.
In such a situation, it is correct to determine the rules and communication schedule together with the child.
For example, take turns spending weekends with him (not just for two hours, but for the weekend!). Vacations are also divided equally, for example, New Year and five more days - at home with mom, and Christmas and another five days of vacation - with dad.
A child does not need a complete family, but happy parents
There is an excuse among adults - “we don’t get divorced for the sake of the children.” This is exactly an excuse. Because parents create a world of illusion for their son or daughter. They simply lie to him! The atmosphere in such families is insincere and deceitful. I believe that a child does not need a complete family, but happy parents.
If a man and a woman cannot be happy as a couple, realize themselves as individuals, grow professionally, in creativity, in communication, then it is better to separate.
Even if after the divorce only one of them will be happier psychologically! This is much more beneficial for a child than just a complete family.
The situation in the family is “to blame” for the well-being of the child if he is not yet 12 years old. Why does a child often get sick - colds just stick to him? Or why he often feels nauseous and has stomach pains, although doctors don’t find a solution for this physiological reasons? By the way, based on where and what the baby hurts, you can make a diagnosis for the whole family. What to do? First, talk to a psychologist about this very situation in the family. And secondly, stop making the child’s illness “pleasant.” During illness, we pay more attention to the baby, let him watch cartoons, and try to somehow entertain him. No need! Let the illness be boring: bed rest, you can’t watch TV, you can’t read...
Throw away your log!
Remember, Pelevin’s grandfathers carried the log, passed it on to their children, and they passed it on to theirs. We pass on to our children our log, our life script. If an adult has dealt with his deep-seated psychological problems, then his child will no longer face the same problems in his life.
Everything we do in life, we do not only for ourselves, but also for our children. Difficulties and conflicts to which we, adults, turn a blind eye, we will pass on to our children like a log.
Victor Pelevin, from “Ontology of Childhood”:
“As a child, you are happy because you think so, remembering him. Happiness is a memory. As a child, adults went to work, the door slammed behind them, and the day began: all the huge space around, all the multitude of objects and positions became yours. And all prohibitions ceased to apply. Then something happened to the world where you grew up; every day everything around you acquired a new shade of meaning. And you began to understand that adults want you to become just like them; they need to hand over their log to someone before they die. It’s not for nothing that they carried it.”
How is anxiety, a problem, transmitted from an adult to a child? Very simple. Watch the little kids. The baby saw big dog, which I have never seen before. Intuitively, he either turns to his mother or backs away towards her so that he can feel his loved one with his body. If the mother is anxious (it doesn’t matter whether she herself is afraid of the dog or has troubles at work), the child “reads” this information from her. And he begins to be afraid.
Stubbornness is the same hysteria, just in a different form
Very often people from Tula come to us about hysterics in a child. Not only the situation of “fell on the floor in a store and shouts “buy!” And they believe that if they scold their son or daughter and introduce strict restrictions, then in this way they will overcome hysterics. No! In this way, you only reinforce the instinct - after all, a hysteric needs spectators and attention. Parents complain about their son or daughter’s stubbornness, considering it a sign of character. But in fact, this is also a manifestation of hysteria.
Why is early development and learning harmful?
Drama club, photo club, and I also want to sing... How can it be that a neighbor’s child at three years old mutters something in English, but mine doesn’t?! It's harmful in early age. Of course, there is a social order for early childhood development centers, and there are parents’ ambitions. There is a gradual development of the brain. And it will not be possible to overtake or rearrange the stages of development. For example, the areas of the brain that are responsible for understanding letters and numbers are formed by the age of 5, and those where the will is formed - by the age of 9. Is it possible to teach a 2-year-old child to understand letters and numbers? Yes. But only at the expense of other areas of his brain - areas responsible for motor skills, speech, emotions, understanding of color, shape, size. Well, it’s not for nothing that children are admitted to school from the age of 7!
Gifted child - a big problem for parents. In my practice, I have seen only two gifted children who, for their age, could do a lot without compromising their other skills. But I note that gifted people live shorter lives; they often have many psychological problems and psychosomatic diseases throughout their lives.
Parents want to see their children succeed. But success is not achieved by those who learned to read and count early.
After the revolution of 1917, everyone reads and counts! A person’s success depends on whether he can set a goal, achieve it and maintain it. For success, abilities (memory, communication skills, flexibility in thinking and communication, creative and artistic abilities, mental qualities) are important, not academic skills (reading, writing). Advice to parents - pay more attention to the development of children's abilities. Play educational games with your children - there are a great many of them now.
Unfortunately, in the 90s we lost the children's subculture. Recently I went out into the yard and wanted to show the children how to play hopscotch. But they no longer know what bats are, they don’t know how to jump on one leg, they don’t play knockouts. But such games develop coordination of movements, form mental processes memory, attention, imagination.
Should I send my child to kindergarten?
Maybe I will incur the wrath of my colleagues, but I believe that kindergartens in the form they were and are are harmful for children. Yes, the socialization of a child must be mandatory - he must be able to make acquaintances, change and share toys, and communicate with peers. But in what form? I don’t know how you can keep 20-25 people in calm state all day. Only a tough regime and fear. This is harmful for the child. And a 3-4 year old child does not need to be in the company of other 25 children all day long.
Three hours for communication in a development group, on the playground, in puppet theater. That's all! And then there is a warm family atmosphere.
The socialization of a child is not the amount of time spent in kindergarten, but the quality. Kindergarten is a solution to the problems of parents, but not the child!
In our kindergartens, a lot depends on the personality of the teachers and the head. Yes, there are good kindergartens. But there are also those where they simply traumatize the children’s psyche, for example, they humiliate them in front of everyone, reveal the secret of adoption, and scream. We psychologists even have such a concept - trauma. kindergarten. And such early injuries have an impact throughout your life!
We need to look at teachers and communicate with parents. And most importantly - do not remain silent in case of problems! Don’t be afraid to complain - no one will take away your child’s place in kindergarten for this.
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Correcting childhood problems as an adult can be difficult and painful. So much so that many are attracted to another solution to the problem - simply blaming the parents for everything. “You were only concerned with yourself, I saw you on holidays, and now you want me to create a happy family? I don’t know what it is!” In essence, such statements are true. After all, 90 percent of what we have as adults is acquired in early childhood. And it is our parents who are responsible for our character, outlook on life, ability to build relationships with people and much, much more. Parental example is learned from infancy - mostly unconsciously, but very firmly. So we largely owe our talents, success in any area of life, and achievements to our parents. Who is to blame for failures? They too. But still, you shouldn’t tell your parents that they ruined your whole life. First of all, it won't make it any easier. To all existing problems will be added a general feeling of guilt and tension in relationships. Secondly, adults - they are adults so that they can cope with all problems on their own. Even with those who were in childhood.
Lack of love in childhood
Small children do not know the word “love” and do not understand its patterns. But they are very sensitive and can even get sick if they do not receive warmth, tenderness and sincere affection from the adults around them. For babies, such emotional deprivation is when adults, caring for a child, simply do everything necessary procedures, without being emotionally involved in communication, can be destructive. It leads to hospitalism, a painful condition similar to depression in adults. The child loses interest in the world around him and does not even cry, knowing that no one will come anyway. Fortunately, this doesn’t happen often in a family environment, but don’t think that in prosperous families children always feel loved. Neither the completeness of the family, nor its financial stability, nor the social level in themselves ensure love for a child. “As a child, I wanted my mother to scold me. And then she would also stroke my head for a long time, wipe away my tears and take me in my arms. And in case of misdemeanor, she said: “Get out” and for some time after that she behaved distantly. Now I understand that I was simply born at the wrong time and was a hindrance for her - that’s why there were no warm feelings.”
Growing up, a person tries with all his might to make up for the lack of love. Both men and women are looking for someone who will not only love them, but treat them with adoration. It may take several years for the balance of feelings of the disadvantaged child to be restored. Another problem is the relationship with your own child. A girl who lacks love from her mother runs the risk of not becoming a good mother herself in the future. There may not be enough tenderness, tenderness, affection.
This can be prevented by returning to childhood and giving that little child what was due to him by right of age - the boundless love of an adult. Now there is definitely such an adult - you yourself. Take a childhood photo, remember your feelings in different situations and say in the most touching and tender words what you needed then. And hug your loved ones as often as possible. Bodily contacts - hugs, stroking, just touching - have truly therapeutic effect, strengthening a basic sense of trust in the world, improving physical and mental well-being.
Children's grievances
Even very loving parents can yell at their child, pull him down rudely, or forget him in kindergarten. Dad thought mom was taking it, mom thought dad was taking it. And a small child listens to the steps on the stairs and thinks that they will never come for him again. Children are emotional creatures; they do not know how to look at a situation abstractly and reason logically. And they remember the moments of their resentment towards their parents very well - in all their colors, in their own feelings. And that is why it can be difficult to part with resentment towards parents even as an adult. Although it’s embarrassing to say that thirty years ago your mother dressed you in such a dress that the whole class laughed.
Why are grievances dangerous? First of all, a violation of communication. There will be no openness, honesty, warmth - everything that is necessary to feel confident and comfortable. Conflicts are possible in it - even if you consciously decided that remembering the old does not make sense.
Do it the other way around?
The problem with people who were abused as children is that they are too protective of their children. “I will never act like my parents”, “My child will have no reason to be offended”, “I know from myself how difficult this is, and I will not do that to my child”... In fact, sometimes such beliefs do not suit the child for good. No matter how cruel it may seem to us, children should know both disappointment and resentment. This helps you prepare for the realities of life and teaches you how to work with your feelings. There is nothing wrong if a child feels offended, the main thing is that he still has confidence in our love.
“I went to kindergarten for five days from the age of four and still remember the feeling of melancholy and fear when the teachers closed the door at night. Of course, my mother always explained that she had no other choice, that it was necessary because of work. And then my grandmother said that my mother was taking me there “to spite her.” They quarreled, and my mother did not want my grandmother to raise me. I still can’t forgive this. Her own ambitions were more important to her mother than her daughter’s normal life. Of course, I didn’t talk about it and generally tried to forget. But then my mother reproached me for not paying attention to my children. “Caring mothers carefully choose a school, and do not lead them to the one that is closer,” she said. “I expressed everything I thought about caring mothers and about her in particular.”
You shouldn't keep grudges to yourself. If not real possibility talk to your parents (or if you think that such a conversation will not be received adequately), use the psychodrama method. You say everything you think on your own behalf, and then you yourself answer on behalf of your mother. You can say whatever comes to mind. As a rule, several “sessions” are enough to find out all the circumstances, understand the parents and completely forgive. Although, than the situation is more complicated, the more work.
Children's feelings of inferiority
All children have it and are a necessary development factor. Seeing that adults are stronger, more capable, smarter, the child wants to become the same. But the adults are right there: “You can’t do anything, it’s better not to interfere”, “You’ll never dance - they don’t hire such fat people”, “You’re the worst reader of all and, it seems, you’ll never learn”... When they become adults, such children can go two ways. The first is to really do nothing and follow parental instructions regarding profession and personal life. The second is to constantly strive to get rid of feelings of inferiority by proving to everyone that “I can do it.” But even achievements do not give a feeling of confidence if it was not laid down in childhood. Often in his aspirations a person reaches nervous breakdown, not being able to relax and stop at least for a short time. And it doesn’t matter what areas of activity a person cares about - profession or personal life. And in relation to their children, people with low self-esteem also often have excessive demands. “Nothing good will come of me anyway, I need to make every effort to educate the child” - this is the principle used educational process in family. Parents can do anything for the sake of their child: move to another city, leave their career, take care of their child literally day and night. “Wow, they’re so caring,” people around them think. In fact, the parents themselves receive more. They (or one of them) finally have a feeling of significance, completeness, and fulfillment. But it can be very difficult for a child to realize other people’s plans.
It is necessary to fight the feeling of inferiority - otherwise it can persist for the rest of your life, changing not only your lifestyle, but also your character. To begin, simply thank (mentally) those who instilled it in you - thanks to them, you have developed such qualities as perseverance and determination. Then, learn to appreciate your achievements and just yourself, without achievements. Distinguish when criticism addressed to you is constructive and when it is simply manipulation. Constructive behavior, of course, must be appreciated, but manipulation must be fought mercilessly. Just don't get emotionally involved - react only to the words. “Yes, I really don’t manage to do everything I plan”, “We are all not perfect - everyone has their own shortcomings”, “Maybe I should think about it” - these should be your responses to criticism. People who criticize us out of a desire to ruin our mood or piss us off will quickly lose interest in such a conversation - especially if you answer them in a kind and slightly ironic tone. And our children will receive a very good example: the sooner they learn that not all comments addressed to them should be taken seriously, the better.
Family unsettledness
Quarrels, divorces, remarriages - a child cannot be indifferent to all this. Even in the best case - when there are people who are ready to care and love always. Children still suffer, either fear - because they do not know what to expect tomorrow, or a feeling of guilt - because, due to their self-centeredness, they often mistakenly believe that they were the cause of such a family situation. When everything in a family is unclear for years, quarrels become an integral part of everyday life, and adults, without mincing words, discuss each other’s shortcomings, then in the child’s mind the words “family” and “problem” become, alas, synonymous. When they become adults, it is with these attitudes that people enter into marriage. And it turns out that many problems are passed on from generation to generation. Even those who were sure that they would never behave like their parents, at a certain age begin to subconsciously repeat the same actions towards others.
Change the script
Children from divorced families are more likely to get divorced than those who have learned that in any situation it is possible to negotiate and improve the situation. Those who, in childhood, repeatedly witnessed parental scandals, also do not particularly hide their dissatisfaction with each other in front of their children. And expectations from marriage can be very similar to what we ourselves observed in childhood in our parents’ family.
But the negative scenario can be corrected. Imagine your future life - first in general, then individual events, and then in periods of time. If you notice something unnecessary in your ideas (infidelity, problems with a child’s learning and behavior, divorce, loneliness), then delete it immediately. For the vacated space - all the best that you can wish for yourself. This seems like an aimless pastime - in fact, such dreams are one of the methods of positive psychotherapy.
Psychologists cannot give an exact explanation of how our thoughts and scenarios are realized, but they have great amount evidence that the above method works. If you think about the future and imagine difficulties with your child and expect him to be “an exact copy of his terrible father,” then this will most likely be the case. This means that you should definitely outline a more attractive course of events - one in which there are good relationships, success and happiness for the whole family.
